realized accecpted, gave in.
There comes a time in everyone’s life when you know you’ve
been beat. When you have to throw your hands up and as Carrie Underwood sang. Jesus
take the wheel. Today I have come to that point. I have come to a point in life
that I never thought I would be... and what I see ahead of me scares me to
death.
A single mom, not one like mine, or like my older sister but
a much less confident, less driven less everything. I see two little boys that won’t
have a mom to be proud of. An Ex-husband
that on a regular basis looks at his beautiful wife and says “what was I
thinking”
I don’t know where the road I am on goes. All I know is I can’t
turn back. i don’t know what is though these dark tunnel, it could be a Train
or it could be a meadow with the most beautiful flowers in the world all around
me. Like a dream.
So what i have to do is say Heavenly Father, watch over me, and
watch over my boys. Help them grow into the men that they are meant to be. Wrap
your arms around me as my marriage comes to an end... because it will. Help me
know what to do, help me became my sister and my mom all rolled into my own
shape. Help me make good decisions help me not fall into a world that isn’t
healthy or good for me. Keep me on a straight and narrow path with some kind of
life ring I can hold onto because I know I will fall. But help me get back up.
Help me heal, Help me love, help me move on. Or Help him see
me, help him see us, Help him love me, us.
like I said I don’t know where I am going, I don’t know how
I keep putting one foot in front of the other, but please keep helping me. Because
lord you know I need you. And know that I know I need you.
I one day want to look back on today and remember it as the
day I came to the truth, the day I accepted that it was over and no matter of
begging and pleading was going to help so I just quit embarrassing myself. The day
where I woke up, or rather went to bed with a plan. A plan of.. A: move the
couch over, put the other couch there. Move
the TV there put it on the entertainment center that I moved from there. And basically
make a home even if it is a temporary one.
Make it with love and that way the boys will always have a
happy family even if it doesn’t have dad and mom in the same house.
Have them see mommy happy and in love…. Sure in love with
them but in love non the less, and Daddy happy with his house and his life that
he has made for his boys that he loves also with all his heart and on every
weekend when mommy picks up or when Daddy drops off they see parents that were
always smiling. Have them grow up with parents that get along because dad knew
that they wouldn’t have been great parents if they had stayed in the same
house. Have them know that Daddy does love mommy and mommy does love daddy. They
just can’t live together because they are better parents when they are apart. And
GOD please Have them know that it is in no way their fault. Have them KNOW that.
Tomorrow is going to come it always does, and it is going to
come with Doctors appointments and drives to anchorage to get pampered by my
best friend as if she knew that this was the day that when 5 got here she would
be boxing up 6 years of her life, a life that she thought would never end. But
she is going to have the people that have and never will let her down stand
behind her so when it gets hard they and cry with her. And help her move
forward when she thinks she can’t. Probably by asking can you live without this
or can it stay here. LOL right Callie?
I want to remember a few stupid things, before they get lost
in a sea of hurt feelings and broken dreams. That would be…..
Standing at the bar with my back against Jason’s legs, he
reached out then gently rubbed the back of my knee with his thumb..
And after he asked for the divorce, I leaned my body over
his to kiss his face while he slept and he felt me up from the waist up
tenderly, right before he realized that he didn’t like me.
And the 20th of May, he held me in my arms and
kissed me on the mouth, and did that thing he does so well, just one last time.
Even though I knew that in the morning he was going to get up and go to work
and never look back on what we were.
I just wanted to hang on to that. Wanted to tell myself, He
loved you. Really loved you.
There comes a time in everyone’s life when you know you’ve
been beat. When you have to throw your hands up and as Carrie Underwood sang. Jesus
take the wheel. Today I have come to that point. I have come to a point in life
that I never thought I would be... and what I see ahead of me scares me to
death.
A single mom, not one like mine, or like my older sister but
a much less confident, less driven less everything. I see two little boys that won’t
have a mom to be proud of. An Ex-husband
that on a regular basis looks at his beautiful wife and says “what was I
thinking”
I don’t know where the road I am on goes. All I know is I can’t
turn back. i don’t know what is though these dark tunnel, it could be a Train
or it could be a meadow with the most beautiful flowers in the world all around
me. Like a dream.
So what i have to do is say Heavenly Father, watch over me, and
watch over my boys. Help them grow into the men that they are meant to be. Wrap
your arms around me as my marriage comes to an end... because it will. Help me
know what to do, help me became my sister and my mom all rolled into my own
shape. Help me make good decisions help me not fall into a world that isn’t
healthy or good for me. Keep me on a straight and narrow path with some kind of
life ring I can hold onto because I know I will fall. But help me get back up.
Help me heal, Help me love, help me move on. Or Help him see
me, help him see us, Help him love me, us.
like I said I don’t know where I am going, I don’t know how
I keep putting one foot in front of the other, but please keep helping me. Because
lord you know I need you. And know that I know I need you.
I one day want to look back on today and remember it as the
day I came to the truth, the day I accepted that it was over and no matter of
begging and pleading was going to help so I just quit embarrassing myself. The day
where I woke up, or rather went to bed with a plan. A plan of.. A: move the
couch over, put the other couch there. Move
the TV there put it on the entertainment center that I moved from there. And basically
make a home even if it is a temporary one.
Make it with love and that way the boys will always have a
happy family even if it doesn’t have dad and mom in the same house.
Have them see mommy happy and in love…. Sure in love with
them but in love non the less, and Daddy happy with his house and his life that
he has made for his boys that he loves also with all his heart and on every
weekend when mommy picks up or when Daddy drops off they see parents that were
always smiling. Have them grow up with parents that get along because dad knew
that they wouldn’t have been great parents if they had stayed in the same
house. Have them know that Daddy does love mommy and mommy does love daddy. They
just can’t live together because they are better parents when they are apart. And
GOD please Have them know that it is in no way their fault. Have them KNOW that.
Tomorrow is going to come it always does, and it is going to
come with Doctors appointments and drives to anchorage to get pampered by my
best friend as if she knew that this was the day that when 5 got here she would
be boxing up 6 years of her life, a life that she thought would never end. But
she is going to have the people that have and never will let her down stand
behind her so when it gets hard they and cry with her. And help her move
forward when she thinks she can’t. Probably by asking can you live without this
or can it stay here. LOL right Callie?
I want to remember a few stupid things, before they get lost
in a sea of hurt feelings and broken dreams. That would be…..
Standing at the bar with my back against Jason’s legs, he
reached out then gently rubbed the back of my knee with his thumb..
And after he asked for the divorce, I leaned my body over
his to kiss his face while he slept and he felt me up from the waist up
tenderly, right before he realized that he didn’t like me.
And the 20th of May, he held me in my arms and
kissed me on the mouth, and did that thing he does so well, just one last time.
Even though I knew that in the morning he was going to get up and go to work
and never look back on what we were.
I just wanted to hang on to that. Wanted to tell myself, He
loved you. Really loved you.
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