My big girl pantys

Today someone decided to say to me that's just needed to put in my "big girl panties on" and I was perfectly capable of stopping "things from happening to me" well let me tell you something. I didn't "let" any of this happen to me.

I was told he wanted a divorce I didn't let him want a divorce. He did that for the reason that he was unhappy. I did however beg and plea for him to change his mind.

He told me I could stay till I was on my feet. So I stayed. But I wasn't prepared for the mindfuck that lead to. See I can't be in bed with a man that a: am madly in love with, and b: can't keep my hands off of. I couldn't do one more day in a place where I was so clearly not wanted.

So I came up with what I felt would be best for my children and myself Move. Living with my family wasn't an option. It wouldn't be fair to expect them to take in me and my two children. So I call my next door neighbor to see if he would let me stay at his place if I gave him some money for rent.

He didnt anwser the phone. So I waited till end of the business day and was going to call him back. Now I am not good at buisness deals. So I as my husband who as sworn to help me "get on my feet" to call him and ask him.

Jason made the call, came in the house telling me that our neighbor had said that I could move in and pay $500 a month until I was on my feet. And that I could move in right away. So I did.

Now two days later I'm told that deal that was told to me wasn't actually the deal and then everybody's really confused as to what the deal with house and it is becoming a huge stress why jason is signing a lease for a place where i am living isnt a place i want to be.

So everyone says it gets better, the hurt will stop. Well they are wrong. It is getting worse. And I am about to lose a man I love very much. And I don't know how I am gonna make it through this.

And on top of it we are already doing the her days his days, and I am not good at being alone. When my boys are there I have a reason to hold things together. With them gone I don't know what to do. I just sit there. Alone. I am not happy with that.

I have a lot of support, I have people that have done so much for me that I couldnt say thank you enough. From my mom and sisters to friends from high school. And of course my best friends cuz I am fortunate to have more than one that doesn't happen very often.

This road is just really dark and I don't know what to do and I just wish that things could be different.

And I'm doing everything I can I'm looking for a job, I tried to find a place that isn't panning out. at least I tried and I will keep trying to got my boys to be strong for. I have a plan just there's just so many kinks in it.