5 minutes

Well this is it, my world is coming to an end. I sit outside of courtroom 1 next to a man that has no feeling for me, he shows no emotion as he make some purchases from the vending machine.

I am the only one hurting, the only one. And I don't know how it came to this.

I'm trying really had to be strong but it isn't am working hard at this strong face. But I can't find one. I just can't.

This is it,

This it, in one week I will no longer be supported by a man. Then the week will go by I will unpack my stuff into a my kids and my new home.

The week will be just me, just me unpacking and setting up
Rooms,

At the end of the week Friday I will get off work and come home to my babies. Saturday I will wake up... Drive to Whitney's house drop my kids off... And cross the street where a judge will tell me that I am not married anymore.

Divorced

6 years wrapped up with goodbye.

Will I cry? Will I walk out feeling free?

Will it hurt, when he bangs that hammer will it make me jump.

Will it get all quiet and words get muffled? Will I go into a quiet coma. Like a zombie?

Will I walk out those doors, will there be someone there? Someone to fix the hurt, someone to take me in their arms and whisper in my ear...I got you. Your alright.

Or will it just be me.

Alone

Here is my final prayer.

Heavenly father, I know your there.. You have helped me so much. You have blessed me in so many ways.

You helped me get here to this day. I have a job, and a home. I have a life all my own. I couldn't have gotten here with out your love and your help.

Please help me get through this last part. Help me keep my composer

Help me know that your in that room with me. Keep my hands from shaking, help me be strong. Help me be ok.

You have a plan for each and every one of us. What your plan for me isn't clear to me. But I have faith it's clear to you. I am going to do this, I am going to be ok. I have faith in that.

Just help me understand why this is happening. Why now? Why today.

Help me, I love you.

In the name of Jesus Christ
Amen

Im sorry

Im sorry

Sometimes I wonder, why?
Why is all of this happening? What did I do to deserve for my world to fall apart? Why is it that I pray every day to just get though one day without tears running my mascara all down my face and still end up with it all over the place?

I often wonder why it is? Why must it be this way? How long will this last? Why do I always go to be alone? Why couldn't I make him happy?

When I was younger I could get everything I wanted. All I had to do was bat my eyes. Where did that go I guess left with my confidence. With my love for myself. With my amazing body. With my great hair.

Now I am a mom, now I'm not complaining. I love my boys with all of my heart soul. I would die for them. In fact there isn't a damn thing I wouldn't do.

However I am now a mom, I am not the attractive woman that could walk into a room and as my best friend says "own it". I am someone who wakes up picks up the toys off the floor. Then I wake up my little boys change diapers, get them
Dressed feed them breakfast and after all that. I get dressed for work. I don't usually have time to put on makeup, so I just don't.

This is my daily life. I have people in my life that seem to think that I still act like I am "all that" I still use men for anything I might want. But that isn't who I want to be. That girl is dead. She just doesn't exist.

I have loved, I have losted, I have been picked up, I have been thrown down.

I am sorry I can't be a woman that the man I married likes. I love my babies and I wish I could keep our family together.

Yep in done

WARNING EXPLICIT CONTENT:

So I'll tell you what, I am not just some random girl you just fuxk and leave.

There are a few kinds of girls I have been

A woman who gets fuxked up and goes home with anyone that looks good "usually someone that you wake up and say "who the fuxk is this"

So far I have not done this and I don't intend to work though my pain in this way.

I have been the woman that is devastated by the blindsided end of a marriage of six years.

I met a man that will kiss me with an intense "push you up against wall" way. His hands feel me up simple because he can and he likes too.

That's right because he LIKES too.

I know damn well he is leaving November and that is a good thing, not a relationship (because I need one of those like a hole in the fucking head) just someone that feels good. A nice distraction to the fact my husband of 6 years doesn't find me attractive (and hasn't in several years).

I have met men that fuxks the hell out of me and leaves because that is all I needed him for.

I have met a man that takes me to dinner and goes home with me where he wraps his strong arms around you and holds you solely for the fact that it feels good to hold someone.

I have been with my ex-husband because he is comfortable and safe. Which frankly is the stupidest thing I have done. Because I always have to leave empty handed and there are feelings that are not returned (hence the divorce).

But my self esteem is slowly coming back.

I refuse to be the girl you fuxk and leave.

How about this if you don't intend to stay don't waste my time. It's about that simple.

Even a drunk one night stand hangs out till you wake up in the morning wrapped around them even if you have no recollection of who the hell he is.

I AM WORTH MORE THAN THAT!!!

SO JASON I AM NOT THAT GIRL.

Not the girl you text and say and I quote

"are the kiddos asleep" "yeah" "come have a smoke with me in the garage"

Well I should know better.

This is the man that out of nowhere says "I want a divorce" he is only calling for a booty call.

Well I don't want to cuddle up and watch a movie and play like this is a nice "date like" evening.

I don't want to relive a scene from a marriage that I dearly miss.

I have officially had ENOUGH!

Don't call me! Don't fuck me just to leave. It means something to me. Sex with you means something. God damn it. It makes this hurt.

I am once again WORTH more then that.

I deserve a man that wants me, needs me, that wants to stay.

And from now on I am waiting for exactly that.

So fuxk you Jason.

Loss

I wanna talk about loss.....

Everyone on the planet loses something in life, a partner, a parent, siblings, children, limbs, jewelry, love, cars. And countless other things that are valuable to them as individuals.

Now to a person looking in on another persons life it may see circumstantial, even if to the person effected is devastated by the loss.

For example, let's say Eddie has lost his father. Eddie and his father were close and talked daily. When his father died he was left with an empty spot in not only his heart, but a huge part of his daily life. He sometimes gets angry at God for taking him from him. Didn't God know that he needed him in his life and it wasn't the right time to take him. Anyway Eddie is devastated.

Now Anne has also lost a father, her father left for arizona and never came back. Now while Anne is devastated by the loss of her parent, leaving her with an empty hole that is gone. She gets angry because he chose to leave. To walk away from her and now she misses out on all the things that a dad does.

Now let's say that Eddie lives next to Anne. Eddie thinks Anne is overreacting to her loss, that a parent dying is more hurtful because of his feelings of emptiness.

And Anne feels like hers is worse because her father chose to leave. At least Eddie's is father was taken and there was no choice.

Now I am no expert.. But I think that both Eddie and Anne are dealing with an intense loss. Different but still difficult.

People all over the world lose things that are important to them. There is no doubt someone on your block that is hurting. Someone driving the same route to work as you that try's to hold back the tears that the Taylor swift song on the radio seems to bring to her eyes every time that it plays.

My point is No matter how bad your suffering there are other people that are too. Different reasons sure. But still reasons. And still bad suffering.

My husband has made the choice to end our marriage. I feel like I didn't see it coming. But on one hand I understand that we will be better people apart, and on the other it hurts it hurts that he is walking away, it hurts that my love wasn't enough, it hurts that our family will never be a complete household.

There have been time when I asked my Heavenly Father "why". I almost never get an answer. it isn't until later that I understand.

For instance:
I was looking for a job. I got a few interviews, but no body was really hireing, not a person with the little experience that I had. After 3 weeks of searching and searching. I about gave up. But I didn't stop. Stopping wasn't and option. I had two little boys to think of.

I prayed with every resume I sent out. Lord please help me get THIS job. And his answer was no obviously because I didn't get interviews or call backs. There was a point I just got angry, why would my Hevenly father just ignore me? Does he like to see me stress and worry? Is my pain his idea of fun?

The answer is NO of course not. He was waiting for me to walk into Silva insurance and hand my resume to the reseptonist with a smile on my face. To walk into a place that had advancement opportunitys that would take my life to a different place then getting hired at the local lawyer office or the local office assistant. Where there isn't much room for advancement.

So a loss of faith is something I was dealing with. A loss of a marriage, a loss of every piece of jewelry my husband gave me. Which may seem stupid to everybody else. But to me. It is a sign of how much I was loved by him.

I don't know if he feels loss, he doesn't show any emotion, however everyone deals with grief differently. So he is dealing with his... I work on mine.

At some point in my life I am going to wake up and I won't hurt anymore. This is going to happen slowly so I might not even notice. But one day I am going to wake up and that Taylor Swift song will no longer make me cry.

Someday I will maybe even love again. Knowing me I will. But until them I will just hold onto the fact that

God does answer prayers
He is listening
He loves me more then I will ever know
He has my back
And He has a plan for me.
And my job is to do what is right.
And he will shower me with gifts that I need to continue my new life with my new circumstances.

I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ amen.

Do you realize

Do you realize that sometimes you peel out of a parking lot, and drive with a screech and your committed to driving tell you feel better or until you feel better?

And you get 5 miles to realize you don't have anywhere to go. So there you are tears pouring down your face. And you can hear your friends and family in the back of your mind saying "you can't fall a apart, you need to be strong for you boys" which just makes cry harder... Because now not only have you failed as a wife. You have let your kids down.

More then just not being good enough so the love of your life needs to leave.

That's right not wants, NEEDS.

So not "he has found someone else". He needs to be apart from you. Your that much a pain.

So now on Sunday you not only get to deal with the 3 year old that is dealing with transition issues that really are just temper fits. But you have to deal with looks, the looks that say... Really can't you control him? And did you hear she's getting divorced. Omg who does that. And doesn't she know that that is hard on her kids?

Then there are the ones that don't think I'm a horrible person. But also don't know what to say. So they don't.

Not a word.

They think to themselves I wish we could help her.

What they aren't thinking is maybe I can just take the baby, he isn't a problem and then she would have both hands to deal with the kid that is just sad because daddy isn't at home to tuck him in at night and read him his story... And let's face it.. Mom isn't a good reader. She just isn't

So what happens she leaves, packs the diaper bag she carefully packed so that the kids had books, RC car tires, every snack she could possibly think of. And walks out of the church with tears that she fights with all her strength. And it isn't until she get in the car and peels out of the parking lot that the tears fall.

That is when she realizes she has no where to go...

Why?

Because even the people close to her don't know what to say. The man that she is "seeing" doesn't know what to say or do. And she wouldn't want him to see her cry anyway.

So she pulls into a empty parking lot of some middle school and writes a blog...

Not even a good blog. Just a blog because if she wrote it on paper then it wouldn't be readable as the tears make ink run.

So now she wishes that she had a place that was hers, a place that isn't right next to the man that doesn't love her anymore. It's hard enough to watch him go though life like his happy. Happy that your gone. Happy he has the whole bed to himself. No one to steal the covers, no one to yell at about the dishes in the sink.

Because he brings his dads girlfriend over every other weekend conveniently when he has the boys so that he can work in the garage. And she can't sit still do she cleans.

So that solves the whole problems. Now he gets his garage, a house keeper And the whole bed. And she wasn't sexually attractive anyway so who needs her.

The only thing that he liked about her is that she is the one that gave him his kids. And he loves them. More. Then his own life. It's just her he wants gone.

All that makes the world better. Much better. Anyway. Now their are no more tears.

Just the empty hole where her heart use to beat.

No words

No words

Have you ever noticed how silent tears hurt the worst. The silent fight is the hardest to get over.
No you don't
The life you walk away from is the easiest you get farther and farther away with every look with every step.

I had so much more to say but right now I can't even put all my feelings into words.... There are just to many of them.

Hurt

Dear heavenly father,

I don't know where you are, but could you be here with me? Please

I signed the papers today, and when the stamp it the paper my heart broke. And I really need you to be here with me. Just tell it stops hurting.

I feel like I am bleeding to death, help me know what to do with my children.

My precious baby's, right now they are at their dads, which in my option it is the best place for them.

Heavenly father without you I don't know how I am gonna get though this.

Please be with my kids, i will understand they need you more. Right now their whole world is changing they say they are young enough to get though this.

Well, I don't know if that is True or not. But I know that I am old enough to know that I won't get though this with our help,

Taylor Swift writes song. One for everything that could possibly happen to any one person.
There is one where she is in school and comes home crying cuz her friends were mean. And her mom just takes her for a drive. Well my mom is busy and pretty much anyone buddy who would hang out with me would want me to talk about.

I don't wanna talk. I wanna cry. I wanna feel like I feel. Heartbroken.

I don't want people to tell me it will be ok, cuz it won't. I don't want to hear the hurt ends, cuz right now it's not going anywhere. I don't want to her that he is gonna miss me when I'm gone. Cuz we both know that I have been gone for a month and he hasn't missed me yet. I don't wanna hear anything I wanna be held the my tears stop.

I want your arms around me. Right now. Please?

I'm am not ok, you know this you know everything.

And I AM NOT OK.

This week

Today is Thursday, yesterday was wednesday, Tuesday before that. Monday.

Monday I took Conner to his well baby... He is healthy. Yay! Mostly it was a good day... In fact can't think of a bad thing at all.

Tuesday, got up early... Got to my appointment on time, coffee in hand.
Got home, made a zillion phone calls found a daycare. Enrolled the kids got the paper turned in. Got home... And everything when down hill. You would think I would be happy I got a lot accomplished. But I don't know if it was the fact that I was one step closer to being independent, but I spiraled down into a place that didn't feel so good. All of a sudden it all hit me. This is real. I am going to have to move on. And that thought was followed by... God this hurts.

Wednesday... Got up, took the kids to their new daycare. Went home... Looked for a job for 8 whole hours. Turned in 4 applications. Not feeling good about a single one. Non of them it the job criteria the pay I needed. It just didn't go the way I wanted. I didn't feel good about it. Leaving me to get to a place where I just felt like I was stuck. I was never going to be able to take care of my kids. I was always going to be dependent on someone else. I had to go to Walmart, to buy printer ink... 50$ that I didn't have to pay for a job that I didn't have and wasn't gonna get. Justin wasn't feeling good and it was just bad. I went to bed Lonely and sad and cried myself to sleep.

Thursday.... It was a long night Justin had a bad fever and he came into my bedroom and slept. I woke up called the daycare told them I was gonna take the kids to the doctor.

Then I took them to the daycare came home received two calls that set up interviews for Friday. And then I cut my hair... And over all I had an amazing day.

Hopefully Friday will be amazing.

This is me telling my self this week sucked.

But know that I will be ok. You don't fail and your not going to start now !!!

A year ago

I know your thinking this is just gonna be another "Halee's hurting hear her roar" blogs. But surprise it not.

I would like to take you back to the 2nd of June 2011, I am surrounded with people that I love, not all of them cuz that would have to be a pretty huge room. But namely my husband Jason, my therapist Nella, my best friend Berick, his wonderful girlfriend Jessie, my moms Andrea and Paula, my baby boy Justin, my sisters, my Maria and Willi was my nurse that night.

I was really nervous but I had my husband's hand. I took a shower shave my legs for some stupid reason jason did his beat to get me relax. then they put in my IV and started my insulin drip to prepare me for surgery the next morning. I got very little sleep. But will made sure that I got a little.

When I woke in the morning my mom came down, with Justin still in Jammie's I think. It's all a little blury. But I do remember my surgery had to be pushed back. But screw all the getting there stuff.

Soon I got into the or, and a few minutes later my little boy cried and our youngest son was born and in his fathers arms. 6 lbs 13oz. And the next love of my life. Jason put his sweet little head next to mine and I was in love like crazy!

Today last year God blessed me with a beautiful angel, that He gave me the strength to get here healthy.

I love you Conner you make your mom and dad so proud. You are going to grow up so fast and I just wanna bottle up all your sweetness and cling to it forever before you turn two! Lol you'll get that joke when your wife has a baby.

It is going to be so hard to remember everyone that helped me. Vickie, lyn, Willi, patience, Nella, Berick, Jessie, mykalya, mo, Julie, doctor Sherrie Richey, cute doctor that I passed out on, Heidi, doctor Ross Tanner, catlyn, migel, Katy, Mary, and countless others. The nurse with the chickens that don't breast feed. Trust me when I say I am leaving out more then half!


The moment that little boy was put on my cheek, the moment he looked over the curtain at me I was in love.

Happy birthday Conner.

And thank you heavenly father for trusting me with his little soul.

Kayaking awesomeness

So today is memorial day weekend. Mandie and I are on our way to wittier to go kayaking for fun. You would think I would be petrified but... Hawaii somehow made my fear of water lessen. Which is good, this is going to be fun!!!

As for the Jason/divorce issues... He came back from Bethel yesterday, he was distant. But I guess it bothers me less.

I guess things get a little better once you just accept the fact that there isn't turning back from this situation. I asked him over for dinner which he accepted. I told him Justin would love to see him.

As for the rest of the evening, the kids and I watched a movie, an then packed thee things for the night at my moms.

When I got home about 11, I went and talked about the truck. And then I went to bed by myself. This time I just went to sleep. No urge to talk to him, or get wrapped in his arms. Which doesn't make a lot of sense I mean just last week I cried myself to sleep wanting him.

I guess the week with him plain flat not available was good for my heart, gave me some healing time. I guess you can say I adjusted to him not being around. And now I don't NEED him around. Well that maybe a more confident need that it really is. But still the sting of him not needing or missing me has lessened. When I woke up this morning the sheet on the sliding glass door had been pulled down. That stung a little.

So now Mandie and I are going kayaking and we are going to have a blast out on Prince William Sound.

While he works on his truck I am not sitting wondering if he is thinking of me. Because I know the answer. He's not. He has put the issues of me, our family, and our life together in a box and on a shelf in the very back of his box shelf.

I keep having to remind myself that men think about things differently then woman. They put things in boxes and don't think about more than one thing at a time. Which is why our marriage wasn't always in, or even in the front of him mind. He was just focused on everything else. Because he just wasn't happy. So why think about it.

Ok well this is just taking a nasty turn for the worse so I am taking myself out of this downer subject.

Packing

Jason went to Bethel on Monday and Will be back on Friday. this is the week that I felt like I should pack up the house as it's very hard to pack when you're being watched. today was the big moving day all me sisters showed up to help and support me. While packing up six years of marriage I knew it wouldn't be easy but I didn't know it would be so hard.

We started with My elephant collection in the moved onto DVDs and then we hit the bathroom and the bedroom and closet. We put everything in boxes and put them in the entry way. all six years of my life fit in a small room in front of our house. The house looks so empty and I wish I could have it be full again

I don't understand, I just don't get it. how could it be so easy to separate his and hers. it seems unfair but I guess that's it.

Gregory

Lost of a very good friend.

Gregory has been my fish for a little over a year now, he has brought me peace in some great times of trouble while in the hospital with Conner I can't explain in words how much he means to me.

today he passed away from an illness that is common in betta fish.

Last night I went over to go and see him and say hello and tell him how much I missed him he didn't look good he was all white around the gills and looked really bloated and puffy I called my sister to say that he didn't look good and ask her what I can do about it I described how he looked she said that he had a disease that was very common and it there was nothing I can do for him I cried and asked her if she was sure she said that she could bring over antibiotics in the morning but she didn't know if it would help.

I sat and talked with him for a bit he started to swim around as if he knew that I was there and I cried and told him much I loved him and how I needed him to fight. still I I knew it was stupid but he was a really good friend.

When I woke up this morning I went over to check on him he looked as if you'd gotten worse and I again told him i loved him. Callie showed up about 930 and went and put antibiotics this tank see if we could kill the bacterial infection that had taken control over him. she said to just repeat treatment for five days to see if it would help but she didn't know if he would make it.

Had to get the children ready because I had appointments in Anchorage so I told him that I had to go. I packed up the kids and I went in for my appointments and I came home I went to check on him before he even unloaded the children and he
Had died.

I made a little paper box and put my dear friend in it and buried him in my garden and I wanted to say...

Greg you helped me through some of the hardest times of my entire life you swam around and were beautiful. I love you from the very beginning. I love how you were always there to bring me peace, and I hope that you are in a place that is beautiful and I hope that you get to swim with the other fishes I love you Greg. Thanks for, Everything

One last time

realized accecpted, gave in.


There comes a time in everyone’s life when you know you’ve
been beat. When you have to throw your hands up and as Carrie Underwood sang. Jesus
take the wheel. Today I have come to that point. I have come to a point in life
that I never thought I would be... and what I see ahead of me scares me to
death.







A single mom, not one like mine, or like my older sister but
a much less confident, less driven less everything. I see two little boys that won’t
have a mom to be proud of. An Ex-husband
that on a regular basis looks at his beautiful wife and says “what was I
thinking”







I don’t know where the road I am on goes. All I know is I can’t
turn back. i don’t know what is though these dark tunnel, it could be a Train
or it could be a meadow with the most beautiful flowers in the world all around
me. Like a dream.




So what i have to do is say Heavenly Father, watch over me, and
watch over my boys. Help them grow into the men that they are meant to be. Wrap
your arms around me as my marriage comes to an end... because it will. Help me
know what to do, help me became my sister and my mom all rolled into my own
shape. Help me make good decisions help me not fall into a world that isn’t
healthy or good for me. Keep me on a straight and narrow path with some kind of
life ring I can hold onto because I know I will fall. But help me get back up.







Help me heal, Help me love, help me move on. Or Help him see
me, help him see us, Help him love me, us.







like I said I don’t know where I am going, I don’t know how
I keep putting one foot in front of the other, but please keep helping me. Because
lord you know I need you. And know that I know I need you.




I one day want to look back on today and remember it as the
day I came to the truth, the day I accepted that it was over and no matter of
begging and pleading was going to help so I just quit embarrassing myself. The day
where I woke up, or rather went to bed with a plan. A plan of.. A: move the
couch over, put the other couch there. Move
the TV there put it on the entertainment center that I moved from there. And basically
make a home even if it is a temporary one.





Make it with love and that way the boys will always have a
happy family even if it doesn’t have dad and mom in the same house.





Have them see mommy happy and in love…. Sure in love with
them but in love non the less, and Daddy happy with his house and his life that
he has made for his boys that he loves also with all his heart and on every
weekend when mommy picks up or when Daddy drops off they see parents that were
always smiling. Have them grow up with parents that get along because dad knew
that they wouldn’t have been great parents if they had stayed in the same
house. Have them know that Daddy does love mommy and mommy does love daddy. They
just can’t live together because they are better parents when they are apart. And
GOD please Have them know that it is in no way their fault. Have them KNOW that.




Tomorrow is going to come it always does, and it is going to
come with Doctors appointments and drives to anchorage to get pampered by my
best friend as if she knew that this was the day that when 5 got here she would
be boxing up 6 years of her life, a life that she thought would never end. But
she is going to have the people that have and never will let her down stand
behind her so when it gets hard they and cry with her. And help her move
forward when she thinks she can’t. Probably by asking can you live without this
or can it stay here. LOL right Callie?





I want to remember a few stupid things, before they get lost
in a sea of hurt feelings and broken dreams. That would be…..







Standing at the bar with my back against Jason’s legs, he
reached out then gently rubbed the back of my knee with his thumb..





And after he asked for the divorce, I leaned my body over
his to kiss his face while he slept and he felt me up from the waist up
tenderly, right before he realized that he didn’t like me.







And the 20th of May, he held me in my arms and
kissed me on the mouth, and did that thing he does so well, just one last time.
Even though I knew that in the morning he was going to get up and go to work
and never look back on what we were.


I just wanted to hang on to that. Wanted to tell myself, He
loved you. Really loved you.

My big girl pantys

Today someone decided to say to me that's just needed to put in my "big girl panties on" and I was perfectly capable of stopping "things from happening to me" well let me tell you something. I didn't "let" any of this happen to me.

I was told he wanted a divorce I didn't let him want a divorce. He did that for the reason that he was unhappy. I did however beg and plea for him to change his mind.

He told me I could stay till I was on my feet. So I stayed. But I wasn't prepared for the mindfuck that lead to. See I can't be in bed with a man that a: am madly in love with, and b: can't keep my hands off of. I couldn't do one more day in a place where I was so clearly not wanted.

So I came up with what I felt would be best for my children and myself Move. Living with my family wasn't an option. It wouldn't be fair to expect them to take in me and my two children. So I call my next door neighbor to see if he would let me stay at his place if I gave him some money for rent.

He didnt anwser the phone. So I waited till end of the business day and was going to call him back. Now I am not good at buisness deals. So I as my husband who as sworn to help me "get on my feet" to call him and ask him.

Jason made the call, came in the house telling me that our neighbor had said that I could move in and pay $500 a month until I was on my feet. And that I could move in right away. So I did.

Now two days later I'm told that deal that was told to me wasn't actually the deal and then everybody's really confused as to what the deal with house and it is becoming a huge stress why jason is signing a lease for a place where i am living isnt a place i want to be.

So everyone says it gets better, the hurt will stop. Well they are wrong. It is getting worse. And I am about to lose a man I love very much. And I don't know how I am gonna make it through this.

And on top of it we are already doing the her days his days, and I am not good at being alone. When my boys are there I have a reason to hold things together. With them gone I don't know what to do. I just sit there. Alone. I am not happy with that.

I have a lot of support, I have people that have done so much for me that I couldnt say thank you enough. From my mom and sisters to friends from high school. And of course my best friends cuz I am fortunate to have more than one that doesn't happen very often.

This road is just really dark and I don't know what to do and I just wish that things could be different.

And I'm doing everything I can I'm looking for a job, I tried to find a place that isn't panning out. at least I tried and I will keep trying to got my boys to be strong for. I have a plan just there's just so many kinks in it.

Help I'm drowning

Help, I'm drowning

I have never felt so alone, I wish that I could just know what to do and just wish that I could magically somehow get a call back on the job that I have applied for last week. I wish that somehow I could get my next door neighbor to call me back and then just magically get him to want to help me. Then if at all possible help me to save money better, I try but I am very in unsuccessful.

I need to get through this for my baby's. For me. Maybe god reads my blog.

Maybe

Mothers day 2012

Today is the 13th of May. Mothers day!

I work up, to my little boy coming in for cuddles. I woke and went to get my youngest. I did some searching online for more housing opportunities. And then more jobs. Made Justin and Conner breakfast, and continued to search... I won't quit cuz quitting isn't an option.

Went to the church to talk with the bishop which went nowhere. But I got to catch up with one of them woman that helped me stay pregnant last year. She is due the end of June! It felt good to talk to a person that isn't in my everyday life. And though she doesn't know my lifes routine she was very supportive and she has no idea how helpful and amazing she was. So that is the second time in my life she has made a difference in my life.

So.... I went to church, and came home to a beautiful set of pearl earrings, from an oyster I bought in Hawaii. I got the first one... And when I bought a setting for the first one (a beautiful neckless representing my wonderful husband) I received a free oyster which contained twin pearls. And now I have a set.

So even though we are going through the worse situation ever.. It was a break from all the unhappiness to celebrate my motherhood.

How we met

How we met,

I thought that we are coming to the end, I would write down how we met:

We have different accounts of how we met both are completely different.
Here's mine

I was having lunch at what is now called mat-su family restaurant, back then it was called the Country kitchen.

He was eating breakfast or having coffee or something, and I was eating breakfast. He had a baseball hat on and remember thinking he was super cute. Cuz well he was, but I spent a good amount of the day watching his reflection in the window as he had his back to me. The next day I came back and this time he was sitting facing me. He was alone, I was alone. So I invited him to sit with me. We talked for a long time about everything. It was pretty much an instant connection for me anyway. He asked me out on a date, and we went to a party where a friend of his was doing some kind of rock show. Which I thought was awesome i mean how many people do you know that have rockstars as friends. So that is how we met.

Someday I will translate the letter he wrote me of his side of the story.

Right now I just can't, cuz he are closing the door to that chapter in our lives.

Leaving me with two of the most beautiful boys on the planet. And without the love of my life that is the other half of me. Maybe someday I will move on and become happy again. But as someone very wise said.

"It will get better, not today, not tomorrow, and not next week, but it will get better. And it will stop hurting."

All I can say is Berick you better be right!!

My not so private nightmare

My own not so private nightmare

Today I sit in the foyer of the church waiting for my appointment with the bishop, I ultimately get to tell him ever wrong thing I have ever done in my six year marriage, which is quite an extensive list. Just when he thought I was a good person.

However, I am hoping to get some sort of list of resources to help me get to be independent. Because I have no choice, sink or swim which one?

Sinking is really not an option. cuz if I do so do my kids, and that isn't and option. So I hope I can find the swim option without sucking in too much water.

I wish things could go back to normal, but that's isnt one of my option, this I know.

The end of..... Our life

The end of.... Our life

Today wake up... First step

Shower, feed the kids, eat... Nah I'm not hungry.

Search of apartments, Jobs, Strength.

Call Lindsey get her to watch the boys while we take my name off every bill we ever had.

Watch the man I love cut me out of our life together and do it with no emotion whatsoever.

Now I am sitting in the passenger of his truck, that I won't take from him in this mess in exchange for the PS3. Wondering how am I gonna start all over? How?

How can I look for an apartments and jobs and watch my 11 month old crawl around on the floor and try to find the end of the sippy cup that's leaks the water. Without wondering how am I gonna explain to him when he is old enough to understand that mom couldn't manage to be good enough for his daddy? He won't know that mommy loved his daddy more then anyone. He just won't know he will have never witnessed the tenderness that used to be there.

How do I move forward when I really don't want to?

Broken

as of saturday. We are filing for divorce, so we are splitting up all of our "assets" and I am getting a job, and finding a new apartment, and basically starting over. Which is awesome in the holy shit I can't quit crying kinda way.

Happy mothers day to me huh? Not to mention conner's 1st birthday and Justin's 3rd. Oh the then in sept. mine. Right after what was our 6th year wedding anniversary.

But hey at least it will fuck up fathers day for him too... Oh wait he still gets to do the 4x4 meet &greet camping trip with the boys that I always loved go on. So just mothers day then.

Holy crap. He thinks that this will make us better. That we have been not happy for a long time. Funny thing... I was happy. He got home and I was happy. I got to wrap up in his arms and I was happy. But again just me I guess.

Now I am not happy, now my children with come from a broken home. And I wont see them all the time. And I will have to miss Christmas some years and Easter others.

And I won't have any arms wrapped around me. I'll sleep in a empty bed. With..... Emptiness.

But I am sure that once you get this low you eventually start going up.

And we will always have Hawaii.

My world

My world just stopped.

Just like that. Everything I have known for the last six years is crumbling around my feet. I can't pick it up fast enough.

So I am standing in a room with the most beautiful.... Let's say a 3d puzzle. You know the ones... You put it together and it becomes this perfect mini statue of liberty. Well this isn't "mini" and it isn't the statue of liberty. IT'S MY LIFE! And I have apparently lost the key piece. The... I don't even know what left. But its gone.

Now I am here frantically attempting to pick up pieces and put them back.

My soon to be ex-husband says that I don't need to put it back together. I need to put them in his and hers piles.

But saying things like
"this is gonna get better"
"We will get along better"
"I do love you but we don't work, we will do better apart"



None of this is making this ok.

NONE OF IT