Ok shit just got real

Ok so.... Book smarts.... Don't have any. Trust me if it wasn't for spell check you couldn't tell what the fuck I mean. And sometimes spell check doesn't know what I mean. No suggestions is something I see a lot. However I have gotten really good at similes. Wanna freak out about the Differences. In "there" words? Or "two" then don't read my Facebook or you'll most likely have a Seizure. However I have words for you in my defense.... FUCK YOU. I don't even care if we are related, you all are suppose to be the most understanding. Just Saying

Math? Haha yeah, again.... Shit most people can do in there head takes me long enough to get fired over. (Wish that was and exaggerated truth but nope totally true). Even calculators can't tell me simple formulas. But sisters in cool private collages can do it for me with a phone call, and doesn't laugh till she hangs up the phone... But that's also assuming. I Obviously have no proof of that.
Geography, well pretty much don't know the difference between Idaho, Ohio and Iowa. Couldn't tell you where they are on a map. And couldn't remember which one my sister fancy collage is either.

Ok so if you read this you could edit it to a fault if your my boyfriend, my ex husband, his girlfriend, my sisters (anyone of them) my moms (both of them) pretty much anyone who passed the 6th grade (right mom) I believe that's what all the Ilp paperwork says, experience level not exceeded over 6th grade "Comprehension" and yep had to spell check that, then look up the meaning, then just voice it on my phone so I didn't have to make my phone have a Seizure.

Now I can solveThe Rubiks Cube.
Remember where things are in a mess if a room, remember things that were said word for word 6 years later (just don't ask me to write it) but certainly fight with me over it, cuz you can't remember. So you must be right.

I'm a good mom, and also a bitch because I don't have a 14 year old. But I'm pretty sure that they shouldn't have to raise your younger kids because it robs them of their childhood. And also if your house got robbed while you were "sleeping over" at your boyfriends house or at the bar he would be damaged for life. But I'm sure he would be ok. You've put this kinda Responsibility (yep had to talk that one too) on him for as long as he remembers probably. And don't be surprised when your ex husband tries to get full custody of his kids because of your horrible Decisions. And know that I am not the only one who talks trash about you. And those who don't, well they think it.

Also, if you divorced someone who can't clean worth a damn and it "bugged" you... Well don't date someone who won't let you in their house because she is "embarrassed" about how her house looks (her words) not an Assumption.She told me so. and know that when you yell at your ex wife over the texted video that came to you as a "broken link" which isn't her fault (I'm not responsible for the smartness of your phone) or its comparability with mine. She is gonna assume that your unhappy at home. Because she knows how you get when your "unhappy". Its Not my fault that she picks at you, insults you, fights with you, and is in generally mean. Totally isn't, perhaps you should have stayed or tried counseling instead of saying fuxk you let's get divorced. (And yes I think that you regret it right about now) but your pride won't Admit it. (Yep defined that one too super close to emmet to risk looking dumb) (also even if you did she would tell you she knows how she should be treated not (because he treats her like she should be) and she wouldn't take you back). So you being angry all the time isn't her fault. Just Saying.

So lets see what else am I good at?

Knowing that a man that hits you doesn't really love you, or himself very much.

Knowing that a man that touches you inappropriately at 14 isn't your fault, it's because he is a sicko.

Knowing stripping is not the best way to go about making money, but you do the best you can with what you think at the time.

Knowing that getting help and seeing your Therapist doesn't make you crazy or insane, it is recognizing your weaknesses and asking for help. Which is actually pretty smart. Just Saying

Knowing that although you have made bad Decisions in your younger years you grow and learn and progress into a wiser person. (Even if its brought up at family party's, or by people that don't actually know you at all. But have heard "story's" (cuz that's Legit) Just Saying)

Knowing that even if you have learning difficulties, struggles getting on your feet, and a lack of knowledge because of Inexperience. Some people see that your trying, and even the ones that are "Disappointed" sometimes see your work toward a better life.

Knowing that because you need "government help" now. doesn't mean your a drain on society. It means that your going to do what you can to learn, and overcome your shortcomings and not be there forever.

Basiclly my point here is.... No I didn't do well in school. But I know stuff. I have had life experiences you know nothing about. I have been Through shit I wouldn't wish on even my ex's girlfriend (and I hate her (a lot) ) so until you walk in these size 9, 5 inch heels that are more comfortable then tennis shoes, you don't know what I've been through. You don't know why I don't have friends, people just don't "get" me. And it's ok. DON'T JUDGE ME. It's rude.

Done! With you! Still

Ok so 6 months ago I had a conversation with a convicted felon, doing time in Goose Creek. The conversation basically stated that I was a horrible person that wasn't ever going anywhere... That was a horrible mother, and I was just going to live in the hole I dug myself. Oh and when he got out he would like to "fuck me in the ass" because I get out of line and that's how I need to be handled.

Needless to say... Last conversation I had with the man.

Last month received a letter... It says... And my responses to statements on said letter are in ( )
Halee,
So this is out of the blue that I'm writing. Well I will tell you why I'm writing, I was looking though my mail and found a letter you wrote me. And said to myself "I wonder how she's doing" (because Apparently he is the only person he can talk to... That will listen anyway.) well I'm not one to wonder for long so why not write. (Oh I don't know, cuz that's the only way you can get to me because I blocked prison phone calls) so here you are you get a letter. (Lucky me). Have things gotten better for you? (Why yes they have! I don't talk to you anymore). How are your boys doing? How was there (yep that's how he spelled it) birthdays? (Right, let me tell you about my kids... NOT!) Hey if you would or if you want to you should write and give me a #. (Ohhh can I?) well at least write me and let me know your still alive. (Um because I don't care if you know that I'm alive) you probably wonder why I care? (No not really) well I just do... But hey if you don't want me to that's cool. To well shit anyway. (What) I just thought I would write and say how are you? (Repetitive much?) the last time we talked didn't go so well, (you think?) well but that was 6 months ago. I'm still here and that won't Change for a while. (Nope not for at least 25 years) ( or was it 11?) but I still think of you. Yeah that might be hard to believe. (Nope its not, I'm still the best thing that you'll ever fuck up) but I do. Anyways I won't make this letter long (please don't) just wanted you to know I was thinking of you and wanted to say Hi (ok tracking) so now that I have done that I should probably go now. (Please do) so bye. (Yep drop dead) always Dana

Ok so today I was mad at the world. So I wrote a response,

Hey Dana, well it was nice to get your letter the week of our wedding Anniversary, my ex's birthday, and the week that my ex's girlfriend has announced that she is 2 pounds Heavier then me. Needless to say I have been busy, you know being the worthless human that I am, being a horrible mother, and of course decoration the hole that i dug myself into. I'm doing fine. I go to church every week, it brings me peace but I wake up and it is indeed just Monday. I did the diabetic DKA thing. My mother had to come pick me up in the ambulance. I'm sure I did that for "attention" not because my pump malfunctioned and stopped giving me that shit that I require for life. Conner is going on a pump too, not the same brand because let's not be stupid it has flaws and the bad mother in me just can't let my son get sick. But it should help his diabetes be better then it is now (which is pretty good) I'm have no doubt that's also a result of my bad mothering skills right?
Your forgive me for not driving 70 miles out of my way for you to tell me I deserve to be ... How did you put it. Oh right "fucked in the ass"
So if your writing to see if I'm over it... I'm not. Nor am I gonna be. Your gonna have to so some better talking cuz I'm not impressed. I work way to hard to provide a life for myself and my children. It's a lot of work being a bad mom. You know, because of all the kids you have raised and no doubt put though collage.
Basically I am thirty next month, and I don't need to be treated like the "nice guys" treat women. Sense that is indeed how you titled yourself.
It been a year sense my divorce, and 8 months sense I quit fucking around with assholes like... Travis, Erin, and .... Oh yeah YOU! And the one asshole I have to deal with is at least human, and not a deadbeat dad. That being said.... No I don't have a number, you obviously have the address, Hope your dead, um I mean well.
Halee Giese

Hopefully this will make me feel better

Huh where to start... Here we go.

We got married. We always had this fight about if we had kids and got divorced he would take the kids from me because of my "mental" background. Now I am the first to say if I wasn't medicated and was being a non-medicated Halee then yeah, please take them. They deserve to be safe and taken care of.

So we are divorced, we have 50/50 custody and it works because I am "medicated". I am a good mom, I always put my kids first. Before my sanity, before boys (the ones I sleep with) just to be clear,and before I buy anything for myself. I don't remember when the last time I bought something for myself. Ok

He is dating, (see previous blog that I vented about the woman).

Well I have become Friends with the woman. Like really. She has a HUGE influence on my ex husband which directly influences my kids, which in return effects me.

So she is a nice woman. But lots of people are nice... Doesn't mean they should reproduce.

So her ex-husband is being a jerk. (Really that's what I think) he is fighting for custody of his kid that she had with her. And the little girl she had when they started dating (she was like 6 weeks). But let's be real here. She isn't biological his. So to say he has rights over this kid is nonsense. Now he has been paying child support for both of these kids. One his one not. So sure if he's paying he should have some say. But anyway. Again back to the fact that she is a nice person.

So he is fighting by saying a few things 1: they are not fed good food. To this I have no idea. I am sure she feeds them just fine. 2: her house is a unfit home because of the condition she keeps it. (She lives in trash). Well I don't know anything about that. She has never let me in the house. She always said it was to messy. 3: she leaves them alone all the time and neglects them. Now this I know for sure is indeed true. She puts them to bed, and hops down across town to her "boyfriends" house. Aka my ex-husband.

A side vent: what the hell, her oldest is 13, 14 in August. Yes he is old enough to babysit the kids. But should have to every night NO! The poor kid deserves to be a kid. Not to mention the things that could happen... Examples: home invasion, fire, emergency situations that would need an ambulance. All of which would be bad. So no I don't like the way she puts her self first.

It's just not how you woman should act if you have kids. Do I understand that sometimes you need a break, a night out, or whatever. Yes! But get a grown up babysitter. You know?

Ok this is where my vent really starts.

My Ex condones this behavior. He tells her that she shouldn't change her routine. As in keep coming over after they are in bed. Because it would appear that she knows its wrong. REALLY JASON!! When she was served with this paperwork, she called me at 11:30 and said first words of the conversation "will you lie for me" meaning she KNOWS it's wrong.

If I was her and acted like her, and he found out about it... Guess what? He would take them from me! But I guess whatever. He holds me to a complete different standard. It not fair! Ok well I don't care. I would never do that... Ever. It's not an appropriate way to raise children. At all. Does she work two jobs? Yes! Does she work hard? Yes! Is she a good person? Yeah. Is she a good mom? Well I'm not gonna say no, but she needs to reevaluate her parenting tactics. Because when you have children... Your life changes. It's no longer about you. Just Saying.

I have always respected my ex-husbands choices, he is a great father. He would die for his kids if needed. I don't worry about Justin and Conner. Why? Because he is a good dad. He's there, he's committed. He understands that he had children with me. And it changed both our life's. changed for the good. We co-parent well in my option. We talk about big things, we plan birthdays, do we do everything right? I'm sure we have made some mistakes but non that would endanger our boys.

But his support of a woman that is doing things that would get my kids take from me really pisses me off.

Like a lot

Ok end of vent I guess. Hopefully the judge does the right thing. Hopefully she will straighten up and act like a mom instead of a 22 year old. Hopefully she doesn't lose her kids. That would make me sad. Sad for her.

Ok, I guess that's it I guess.

Old blog written on 9-1-11

Wow where so I start, I would say the beginning but I don't even know where that is. Here I sit in a cage that I love, I would never want to leave. I am here with my baby, and one on the way, and a husband that is anything but happy. I wish I could be the woman he wishes I was. But I'm not and I'm not sure I even know where to train myself to be said person. It explains the stuff that I have noticed. He never wants me. Yeah sexually. Never. He does me, but as he says he doesn't like me. So I guess it is more an obligation which as you can imagine makes me miserable. I wake up with a man that I am crazy about. I smell him and want him. I watch I'm move into his clothes. Nothing is more attractive to me. But I know that he doesn't share those thoughts it makes me wonder, I feel like a traitor. Here I am happy, or I was until I realized that I am alone in the happiness he's not happy, that hits me hard. Today he got upset cuz I randomly touched his neck. He doesn't even like my touch, I guess it is a miracle this baby is on the way, and thinking back, I had to beg for the sex. It had been a long time. Like 18 days! 18! That is insane. I know I will never leave, and neither will he. We are comfortable, me with the dream man I married he takes good care of me, is a wonderful father. We have been though hard stuff. And made it though. Thank god! I know that I don't deserve the magical life I have. But I will spend my life trying to deserve it. I will never repeat past mistakes. I know this, but a huge part of me wishes I was honestly wanted. Not cause I am what he picked. No, settled for. Wanted passionately. Not just done cause that is the way it is supposed to be. It is three o'clock in the morning. I can't sleep, I know if I cuddle up with him I will want him. And it will annoy hIm. What I would considering thrilling, he feels is a annoyance. Why, am I that bad? I mean no I am the worse house wife. I am thinking about picking a day, getting grandma to spend the day with Justin an clean the house. I mean the other day I did ok, Justin ate his breakfast, I cleaned the floor. He played, I did dishes. He napped I cleaned the floor again and mopped. I didn't get laundry done. There are clothes in justin's room, which is a disaster for the record. That need to be folded. I Just need to figure out a way to learn to be happy with the way our lives have become. I remember a few weeks after Justin was born. We went on a date. And justin was asleep. And I was showing him where we kept the medicine for him. And he walked up behind me. And untied my top. Kissed my neck. Loved on me. It was amazing! So loving, so amazing. Right out of the movies. Our anniversary this year we went to a hotel in anchorage, had dinner and a nice room, with a bottle of wine. Played in the pool, like we were kids. It was romantic and wonderful. We watched a movie and made love on a king sized bed that was too big. Four of us could have fit on that thing. I love sleeping close to him. I love smelling him, touching him. Being with him. But it isn't mutual which is really messing with me. When did this happen, what did I do, how do I undo it? Can I? I guess I will try to be attractive to him, but I know that is pointless, it won't work, the chances of him wanting some one he doesn't like (his words). I know he loves me. He has too. But liking me is a huge part of marriage that is missing. And it isn't good.

Lets see if this is better,

Where I am:

So, where I am, I have a very blessed life, I have good things going on and some not so comfortable things lets start with the good things shall we??

I have a roof over my head, and I am pretty independent. I don't really rely on any one. I have never been on my own, lived by myself, or honestly done anything without a male "benefactor" I know that doesn't say much about me. But it's the truth.

I started dating jake, he is amazing. He makes me smile when I don't want to, he is emotionally supportive, we get along and we don't argue. Because I have changed my way of doing relationships, I try not to obsess over why he hasn't called, I don't "blow" up his phone he will call when he wants. And I don't chase him. And he keeps coming back. So he must like me. A trapped animal doesn't really do anything but try to get away. This I have learned

My children: now I never thought in would be a single mom. But here I am single and those kids depend on me to keep it together. It's a big responsibility. Mom always said if you do your best it will always be good enough. Well I am doing my best, wither its good enough I truly don't know.

My ex and I get along ok, we talk, joke occasionally, he has allows me to be the kids daycare 2 days a week when he is at work. Which is a huge blessing, however... He is dating also.... Which doesn't upset me. I want him to find the happiness he didn't have with me. Now it hurts sometimes. Knowing that I wasn't good enough seeing what he thinks is a good replacement.

She has a pretty face, she is losing some much needed weight. She wears lots of makeup... All the time. She is never seen without it. Ever! But really here is the worst part. She is identical to the girl He married 6 years ago. Me. The girl that last year wasn't good enough anymore. She is 32 and not grown up yet. She spends a lot of time at the bar, and Jason's house obviously. Which is normal for a younger girl with little responsibly Except she has lots of responsibility, 4 children, yet they sleep alone in her house while she spends the night at his or at the bar. Which is horrible. Her oldest is 14, but I don't know how she can justify leaving her baby and 2 other kids in his care all the time. I am sure he is really responsible more so then her. I have no doubt. But children (which is what he is) should not be required to pick which sibling he wants to get out of the house. In case of emergency Just Saying

She had up till yesterday became "friends" with me. In the sense that if she wanted to know what he was thinking or how he might be feeling she called me. Because I "know him really well". Well I did the time, 9 years as a matter of fact. getting to know him. She is always talking about how much they "talk" about everything. I can't help but think if they do then... Wouldn't she know better then me what he's feeling? He never talked to me. Never. He isn't a talker. I'm not saying that he doesn't now I'm saying that he didn't then. And if you indeed talk to him for "hours" why on earth wouldn't you ask him? Just a thought.

She tells all sorts of lies. And she loves talking shit. It's funny because before I started dating jake, she would go to his work and talk to his boss, all about how her new "boyfriends" ex-wife is crazy, and I do my laundry at his house "all the time".

Well here's a news flash. And I know it's not a lie because I am the "crazy" ex-wife. I hadn't done any laundry at Jason's house ever. Just Saying Now a few weeks ago I did do a load, but it was months after she was saying this stuff.

She told me that he still has pictures of me in the house. She thinks this is weird. My thought, "and the problem with that is????"

I will ALWAYS be a part of his life, I am the mother of his children.

Now I don't expect him to have pictures of me around the house. In fact I must say it surprises me.

Anyway my point is this,

I don't know why he married me, I mean I was just like crazy obsessive all over the place all that except i didn't have 4 kids with 4 different guys. No I don't condone that crap,it's called Birth Control, perhaps you've heard of it???! Oh wait
I guess not.

I was wild, spent a lot of time at the bar. Was friends with everyone, and had a lot of inappropriate relationships that a woman shouldn't have when dating anyone seriously.

Ok so these are just a few of my relationship advice, prep yourself I'm not gonna sugar coat this. Also know I have learned this from experience, and sometimes I don't like to Listen to my own advice. So it is gonna come off as hypocritical.

1: men don't usually play games, what they say is what they mean. For instants if he says this isn't a serous relationship... It means its not. Telling him you love him isn't gonna do a damn thing.

When they say I'm not ignoring you I'm just busy.... Translation it means I'm not ignoring you I'm (wait for it) JUST BUSY! Feel flattered because in his busy day he took a minute to text you to let you know he was thinking of you, (that's why he texted you) he was thinking of you but didn't have time to talk. That's him being nice. Don't text his ex wife and ask why she thinks he hasn't "talked" with you all day. Her thought is going to be..... It's Thursday, it's 1pm. He's at work. Those are the well known facts. What's the question again? Use your head.

2: on drill weekend.. Don't expect him to be over for dinner. He is going to try. But Friday, lets use some common sense ok? He gets up at 5. Goes on his hour of commute, works his 8 hours, gets off work. Changes into his uniform, goes to drill, gets off at 10ish. And I don't know just a guess, but he's tired the last thing he wants to do is come over and "meet your kids" so he is gonna call and say. I'm sorry, (which he actually means) I just can't do it.

You asked for something that was totally selfish, and when he couldn't do it. You freak out. Not only do you freak out, you leave your 4 kids alone at home. To meet him in his driveway in the rain to yell about how dare he promise to do something and not come thru. Well Sweetie, (wait for it) he didn't promise. He put off the fight of "I'm not gonna make it." Till later so he could sleep before his busy day. It's not that he didn't want to. It's that it's the busiest weekend of the month. And he tried and just like he knew would be the case he's TIRED!

On a side note. Yelling at anyone in the rain outside their house after they had a zillion hour work day. Isn't going to win you any points. And if you were dating anyone else... You would be a person who's name in his phone would be changed to ignore. And he would do exactly that. Ignore you.

3: ok, now this is gonna seem weird I know, so brace yourself for a not normal response.
When your ex comes into town, and asks to meet for coffee... Just say no. Don't call your boyfriend and explain the situation and ask if its ok. He's gonna say ok it's fine. But that's because he is truly hoping you know better. And when a week later you find out that he is having coffee with a girl the next week, don't be shocked. Be glad it's a stranger and not someone he has slept with before. Seriously are we stupid?! And going over to his house at 10 at night (remember he works at 5) he isn't even gonna get out of bed to fight with you. #1 he hasn't done anything yet. And he is just doing what you did the week before. So stop with the double standard and deal with it!!!

4: now when dealing with the ex wife, DO NOT under any Circumstances give her this kind of ammunition. Calling her after every fight. Come on. Use your head. She is the mother of the kids whos bedroom door you were just yelling outside of. Come on!!

Don't ask her if she thinks he loves you. (May I suggest you talk to him) because I wasn't sucking his cock last night, and asking if he was in love with you. It's non of my business and here's a shocker I don't care!

Don't give me details of your sexual relationship. I really don't wanna know. I don't care if he's fucking you, but I don't wanna hear about it. Just like I would stop my sister if she was telling me a story that was about how much she was getting it, what positions, and so forth.

5: try to remember he just got out of a 6 year relationship, that ended 8 months ago, and you've been dating 5 so... Do I need to do the math for you??? Really?!

He is starting all over. In a completely new game. He didn't have kids before, he was 6 years younger, and your the first "thing" he has tried. I bet you even try more then one mascara before making a decision about whether its something your gonna keep around. I know I have 4 brands of mascara in my bathroom that Ive tried and decided I don't like, or i have found a better one. And I put on makeup like 3 times a month. Unlike every damn day.

6: don't give him a hard time about a family picture that still hangs on the wall, because and I kinda feel like I am repeating myself here but; she is the MOTHER of his children! She isn't going to just be erased, and she shouldn't be. You should respect that they get along, realize that she is a good person who is attempting to be a grown up and raise their kids in a healthy non toxic environment. Where mommy my daddy don't fight constantly, don't put them in the middle, and don't fight over them. This is the purpose for the divorce in the first place. So that the fighting would stop.

7: on Thursday when you know she is the children's daycare. And that she will see him right after work to pick up his children, that one more time, they made together, if you text her at 5 and ask has he picked up the kids and she says yes. Leave it at that. Don't expect to have her volunteer that SHE dropped them off, and she is still giving report in HIS kitchen. In fact she had a cup of coffee also. Why? Because just like your fights, sex life, ways of thinking, and feelings. Are Non of her business. Her relationship with her ex husband isn't any of yours.
Also don't call her to ask if she thinks that he's ignoring you, because when you tell her that you haven't gotten a text back or a phone call and OMG he got off work like 28 minutes ago! She's gonna hand her phone directly to him. why? She doesn't want to deal with you.
And yes it's gonna look like your stalking him.
And no, she doesn't care!

8: don't do 1 and 7 in the same day; again she is just laughing at your stupidity.

Now don't call and tell her about how amazing he is with his kids, about how his youngest that has some medical complications threw up and not only was he paying attention but he gave him a bath and softly spoke to the child about how "daddy is right here, it's ok". And then he slept on the floor in his room. Your not telling me anything I don't know. I know he is a caring, loving, sweet father. Why do you think i picked him, i didnt just get pregnant by him. I picked him, married him, loved him, and made a choice to make him the father of my kids. Now that's over and he is a SINGLE father. And he does it right. He is there for his children. His children are his world. Would you even know if you child was throwing up? No why? Cuz at 11 o'clock when you left his house you went to the bar until 3:30. I know this because you told me. Again with why would you give me this type of ammunition?

She ended our "friendship" she texted me to say.. Anytime she talked to me it caused problems in her and his relationship. Well as awesome as it would be to think I have that kinda control of someone else's decisions, thought possess, and feelings. I don't, nor would I want it. Who wants that kinda power? Not me.

I am gonna sum up with this,

You say that he told you he doesn't see this as a serous relationship, that means per say #1 he means that.

He doesn't want to you to move in. Even if it would save you both money, well do you blame him. Just like me he needs to know he can do this on his own. He is proving this to himself. Not to mention he has a 3 bedroom house and you have 4 kids that equals 6. I know, to you it would be easy to throw your youngest in with your older boys and your daughter in with my two? NOT. He isn't gonna make his children change everything about their life. It has been turned upside down enough.

Also don't plan the wedding. Wait till he confesses his love. At least. I would wait till the proposal, but that's me.

He says he doesn't love you, he's happy and content. That is also exactly how he means it.

If that's not something you can handle, move on. Cuz that is where he is at.

Now the jealous ex wife part of this is

1. I'm glad your over weight,
2. I'm glad you try too hard. I can alway use a good laugh.
3. I think that he will get sick of you because going to the bars 3 nights a week 2 days after you get fired because you said you wanted to punch you boss in the face. Is not the kinda girl.
He wants a responsible, kind, lady. You are non of these. Your crude with a little side of good in bed. Which is why he is still around.
Now all of the last part is rude and probably untrue.
But I'm the ex. I'm allowed.

I am sure I am missing some important lessons. And I am sorry for that.

The end

Today I watched "us" end. The papers came in the mail... We are done... Over... 6 years just gone. Just like that. your done, you have had enough. Enough of me... Enough, Final over, and I am left empty. Just empty and I honestly don't know what to do with my self

5 minutes

Well this is it, my world is coming to an end. I sit outside of courtroom 1 next to a man that has no feeling for me, he shows no emotion as he make some purchases from the vending machine.

I am the only one hurting, the only one. And I don't know how it came to this.

I'm trying really had to be strong but it isn't am working hard at this strong face. But I can't find one. I just can't.

This is it,

This it, in one week I will no longer be supported by a man. Then the week will go by I will unpack my stuff into a my kids and my new home.

The week will be just me, just me unpacking and setting up
Rooms,

At the end of the week Friday I will get off work and come home to my babies. Saturday I will wake up... Drive to Whitney's house drop my kids off... And cross the street where a judge will tell me that I am not married anymore.

Divorced

6 years wrapped up with goodbye.

Will I cry? Will I walk out feeling free?

Will it hurt, when he bangs that hammer will it make me jump.

Will it get all quiet and words get muffled? Will I go into a quiet coma. Like a zombie?

Will I walk out those doors, will there be someone there? Someone to fix the hurt, someone to take me in their arms and whisper in my ear...I got you. Your alright.

Or will it just be me.

Alone

Here is my final prayer.

Heavenly father, I know your there.. You have helped me so much. You have blessed me in so many ways.

You helped me get here to this day. I have a job, and a home. I have a life all my own. I couldn't have gotten here with out your love and your help.

Please help me get through this last part. Help me keep my composer

Help me know that your in that room with me. Keep my hands from shaking, help me be strong. Help me be ok.

You have a plan for each and every one of us. What your plan for me isn't clear to me. But I have faith it's clear to you. I am going to do this, I am going to be ok. I have faith in that.

Just help me understand why this is happening. Why now? Why today.

Help me, I love you.

In the name of Jesus Christ
Amen

Im sorry

Im sorry

Sometimes I wonder, why?
Why is all of this happening? What did I do to deserve for my world to fall apart? Why is it that I pray every day to just get though one day without tears running my mascara all down my face and still end up with it all over the place?

I often wonder why it is? Why must it be this way? How long will this last? Why do I always go to be alone? Why couldn't I make him happy?

When I was younger I could get everything I wanted. All I had to do was bat my eyes. Where did that go I guess left with my confidence. With my love for myself. With my amazing body. With my great hair.

Now I am a mom, now I'm not complaining. I love my boys with all of my heart soul. I would die for them. In fact there isn't a damn thing I wouldn't do.

However I am now a mom, I am not the attractive woman that could walk into a room and as my best friend says "own it". I am someone who wakes up picks up the toys off the floor. Then I wake up my little boys change diapers, get them
Dressed feed them breakfast and after all that. I get dressed for work. I don't usually have time to put on makeup, so I just don't.

This is my daily life. I have people in my life that seem to think that I still act like I am "all that" I still use men for anything I might want. But that isn't who I want to be. That girl is dead. She just doesn't exist.

I have loved, I have losted, I have been picked up, I have been thrown down.

I am sorry I can't be a woman that the man I married likes. I love my babies and I wish I could keep our family together.

Yep in done

WARNING EXPLICIT CONTENT:

So I'll tell you what, I am not just some random girl you just fuxk and leave.

There are a few kinds of girls I have been

A woman who gets fuxked up and goes home with anyone that looks good "usually someone that you wake up and say "who the fuxk is this"

So far I have not done this and I don't intend to work though my pain in this way.

I have been the woman that is devastated by the blindsided end of a marriage of six years.

I met a man that will kiss me with an intense "push you up against wall" way. His hands feel me up simple because he can and he likes too.

That's right because he LIKES too.

I know damn well he is leaving November and that is a good thing, not a relationship (because I need one of those like a hole in the fucking head) just someone that feels good. A nice distraction to the fact my husband of 6 years doesn't find me attractive (and hasn't in several years).

I have met men that fuxks the hell out of me and leaves because that is all I needed him for.

I have met a man that takes me to dinner and goes home with me where he wraps his strong arms around you and holds you solely for the fact that it feels good to hold someone.

I have been with my ex-husband because he is comfortable and safe. Which frankly is the stupidest thing I have done. Because I always have to leave empty handed and there are feelings that are not returned (hence the divorce).

But my self esteem is slowly coming back.

I refuse to be the girl you fuxk and leave.

How about this if you don't intend to stay don't waste my time. It's about that simple.

Even a drunk one night stand hangs out till you wake up in the morning wrapped around them even if you have no recollection of who the hell he is.

I AM WORTH MORE THAN THAT!!!

SO JASON I AM NOT THAT GIRL.

Not the girl you text and say and I quote

"are the kiddos asleep" "yeah" "come have a smoke with me in the garage"

Well I should know better.

This is the man that out of nowhere says "I want a divorce" he is only calling for a booty call.

Well I don't want to cuddle up and watch a movie and play like this is a nice "date like" evening.

I don't want to relive a scene from a marriage that I dearly miss.

I have officially had ENOUGH!

Don't call me! Don't fuck me just to leave. It means something to me. Sex with you means something. God damn it. It makes this hurt.

I am once again WORTH more then that.

I deserve a man that wants me, needs me, that wants to stay.

And from now on I am waiting for exactly that.

So fuxk you Jason.

Loss

I wanna talk about loss.....

Everyone on the planet loses something in life, a partner, a parent, siblings, children, limbs, jewelry, love, cars. And countless other things that are valuable to them as individuals.

Now to a person looking in on another persons life it may see circumstantial, even if to the person effected is devastated by the loss.

For example, let's say Eddie has lost his father. Eddie and his father were close and talked daily. When his father died he was left with an empty spot in not only his heart, but a huge part of his daily life. He sometimes gets angry at God for taking him from him. Didn't God know that he needed him in his life and it wasn't the right time to take him. Anyway Eddie is devastated.

Now Anne has also lost a father, her father left for arizona and never came back. Now while Anne is devastated by the loss of her parent, leaving her with an empty hole that is gone. She gets angry because he chose to leave. To walk away from her and now she misses out on all the things that a dad does.

Now let's say that Eddie lives next to Anne. Eddie thinks Anne is overreacting to her loss, that a parent dying is more hurtful because of his feelings of emptiness.

And Anne feels like hers is worse because her father chose to leave. At least Eddie's is father was taken and there was no choice.

Now I am no expert.. But I think that both Eddie and Anne are dealing with an intense loss. Different but still difficult.

People all over the world lose things that are important to them. There is no doubt someone on your block that is hurting. Someone driving the same route to work as you that try's to hold back the tears that the Taylor swift song on the radio seems to bring to her eyes every time that it plays.

My point is No matter how bad your suffering there are other people that are too. Different reasons sure. But still reasons. And still bad suffering.

My husband has made the choice to end our marriage. I feel like I didn't see it coming. But on one hand I understand that we will be better people apart, and on the other it hurts it hurts that he is walking away, it hurts that my love wasn't enough, it hurts that our family will never be a complete household.

There have been time when I asked my Heavenly Father "why". I almost never get an answer. it isn't until later that I understand.

For instance:
I was looking for a job. I got a few interviews, but no body was really hireing, not a person with the little experience that I had. After 3 weeks of searching and searching. I about gave up. But I didn't stop. Stopping wasn't and option. I had two little boys to think of.

I prayed with every resume I sent out. Lord please help me get THIS job. And his answer was no obviously because I didn't get interviews or call backs. There was a point I just got angry, why would my Hevenly father just ignore me? Does he like to see me stress and worry? Is my pain his idea of fun?

The answer is NO of course not. He was waiting for me to walk into Silva insurance and hand my resume to the reseptonist with a smile on my face. To walk into a place that had advancement opportunitys that would take my life to a different place then getting hired at the local lawyer office or the local office assistant. Where there isn't much room for advancement.

So a loss of faith is something I was dealing with. A loss of a marriage, a loss of every piece of jewelry my husband gave me. Which may seem stupid to everybody else. But to me. It is a sign of how much I was loved by him.

I don't know if he feels loss, he doesn't show any emotion, however everyone deals with grief differently. So he is dealing with his... I work on mine.

At some point in my life I am going to wake up and I won't hurt anymore. This is going to happen slowly so I might not even notice. But one day I am going to wake up and that Taylor Swift song will no longer make me cry.

Someday I will maybe even love again. Knowing me I will. But until them I will just hold onto the fact that

God does answer prayers
He is listening
He loves me more then I will ever know
He has my back
And He has a plan for me.
And my job is to do what is right.
And he will shower me with gifts that I need to continue my new life with my new circumstances.

I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ amen.

Do you realize

Do you realize that sometimes you peel out of a parking lot, and drive with a screech and your committed to driving tell you feel better or until you feel better?

And you get 5 miles to realize you don't have anywhere to go. So there you are tears pouring down your face. And you can hear your friends and family in the back of your mind saying "you can't fall a apart, you need to be strong for you boys" which just makes cry harder... Because now not only have you failed as a wife. You have let your kids down.

More then just not being good enough so the love of your life needs to leave.

That's right not wants, NEEDS.

So not "he has found someone else". He needs to be apart from you. Your that much a pain.

So now on Sunday you not only get to deal with the 3 year old that is dealing with transition issues that really are just temper fits. But you have to deal with looks, the looks that say... Really can't you control him? And did you hear she's getting divorced. Omg who does that. And doesn't she know that that is hard on her kids?

Then there are the ones that don't think I'm a horrible person. But also don't know what to say. So they don't.

Not a word.

They think to themselves I wish we could help her.

What they aren't thinking is maybe I can just take the baby, he isn't a problem and then she would have both hands to deal with the kid that is just sad because daddy isn't at home to tuck him in at night and read him his story... And let's face it.. Mom isn't a good reader. She just isn't

So what happens she leaves, packs the diaper bag she carefully packed so that the kids had books, RC car tires, every snack she could possibly think of. And walks out of the church with tears that she fights with all her strength. And it isn't until she get in the car and peels out of the parking lot that the tears fall.

That is when she realizes she has no where to go...

Why?

Because even the people close to her don't know what to say. The man that she is "seeing" doesn't know what to say or do. And she wouldn't want him to see her cry anyway.

So she pulls into a empty parking lot of some middle school and writes a blog...

Not even a good blog. Just a blog because if she wrote it on paper then it wouldn't be readable as the tears make ink run.

So now she wishes that she had a place that was hers, a place that isn't right next to the man that doesn't love her anymore. It's hard enough to watch him go though life like his happy. Happy that your gone. Happy he has the whole bed to himself. No one to steal the covers, no one to yell at about the dishes in the sink.

Because he brings his dads girlfriend over every other weekend conveniently when he has the boys so that he can work in the garage. And she can't sit still do she cleans.

So that solves the whole problems. Now he gets his garage, a house keeper And the whole bed. And she wasn't sexually attractive anyway so who needs her.

The only thing that he liked about her is that she is the one that gave him his kids. And he loves them. More. Then his own life. It's just her he wants gone.

All that makes the world better. Much better. Anyway. Now their are no more tears.

Just the empty hole where her heart use to beat.

No words

No words

Have you ever noticed how silent tears hurt the worst. The silent fight is the hardest to get over.
No you don't
The life you walk away from is the easiest you get farther and farther away with every look with every step.

I had so much more to say but right now I can't even put all my feelings into words.... There are just to many of them.

Hurt

Dear heavenly father,

I don't know where you are, but could you be here with me? Please

I signed the papers today, and when the stamp it the paper my heart broke. And I really need you to be here with me. Just tell it stops hurting.

I feel like I am bleeding to death, help me know what to do with my children.

My precious baby's, right now they are at their dads, which in my option it is the best place for them.

Heavenly father without you I don't know how I am gonna get though this.

Please be with my kids, i will understand they need you more. Right now their whole world is changing they say they are young enough to get though this.

Well, I don't know if that is True or not. But I know that I am old enough to know that I won't get though this with our help,

Taylor Swift writes song. One for everything that could possibly happen to any one person.
There is one where she is in school and comes home crying cuz her friends were mean. And her mom just takes her for a drive. Well my mom is busy and pretty much anyone buddy who would hang out with me would want me to talk about.

I don't wanna talk. I wanna cry. I wanna feel like I feel. Heartbroken.

I don't want people to tell me it will be ok, cuz it won't. I don't want to hear the hurt ends, cuz right now it's not going anywhere. I don't want to her that he is gonna miss me when I'm gone. Cuz we both know that I have been gone for a month and he hasn't missed me yet. I don't wanna hear anything I wanna be held the my tears stop.

I want your arms around me. Right now. Please?

I'm am not ok, you know this you know everything.

And I AM NOT OK.

This week

Today is Thursday, yesterday was wednesday, Tuesday before that. Monday.

Monday I took Conner to his well baby... He is healthy. Yay! Mostly it was a good day... In fact can't think of a bad thing at all.

Tuesday, got up early... Got to my appointment on time, coffee in hand.
Got home, made a zillion phone calls found a daycare. Enrolled the kids got the paper turned in. Got home... And everything when down hill. You would think I would be happy I got a lot accomplished. But I don't know if it was the fact that I was one step closer to being independent, but I spiraled down into a place that didn't feel so good. All of a sudden it all hit me. This is real. I am going to have to move on. And that thought was followed by... God this hurts.

Wednesday... Got up, took the kids to their new daycare. Went home... Looked for a job for 8 whole hours. Turned in 4 applications. Not feeling good about a single one. Non of them it the job criteria the pay I needed. It just didn't go the way I wanted. I didn't feel good about it. Leaving me to get to a place where I just felt like I was stuck. I was never going to be able to take care of my kids. I was always going to be dependent on someone else. I had to go to Walmart, to buy printer ink... 50$ that I didn't have to pay for a job that I didn't have and wasn't gonna get. Justin wasn't feeling good and it was just bad. I went to bed Lonely and sad and cried myself to sleep.

Thursday.... It was a long night Justin had a bad fever and he came into my bedroom and slept. I woke up called the daycare told them I was gonna take the kids to the doctor.

Then I took them to the daycare came home received two calls that set up interviews for Friday. And then I cut my hair... And over all I had an amazing day.

Hopefully Friday will be amazing.

This is me telling my self this week sucked.

But know that I will be ok. You don't fail and your not going to start now !!!

A year ago

I know your thinking this is just gonna be another "Halee's hurting hear her roar" blogs. But surprise it not.

I would like to take you back to the 2nd of June 2011, I am surrounded with people that I love, not all of them cuz that would have to be a pretty huge room. But namely my husband Jason, my therapist Nella, my best friend Berick, his wonderful girlfriend Jessie, my moms Andrea and Paula, my baby boy Justin, my sisters, my Maria and Willi was my nurse that night.

I was really nervous but I had my husband's hand. I took a shower shave my legs for some stupid reason jason did his beat to get me relax. then they put in my IV and started my insulin drip to prepare me for surgery the next morning. I got very little sleep. But will made sure that I got a little.

When I woke in the morning my mom came down, with Justin still in Jammie's I think. It's all a little blury. But I do remember my surgery had to be pushed back. But screw all the getting there stuff.

Soon I got into the or, and a few minutes later my little boy cried and our youngest son was born and in his fathers arms. 6 lbs 13oz. And the next love of my life. Jason put his sweet little head next to mine and I was in love like crazy!

Today last year God blessed me with a beautiful angel, that He gave me the strength to get here healthy.

I love you Conner you make your mom and dad so proud. You are going to grow up so fast and I just wanna bottle up all your sweetness and cling to it forever before you turn two! Lol you'll get that joke when your wife has a baby.

It is going to be so hard to remember everyone that helped me. Vickie, lyn, Willi, patience, Nella, Berick, Jessie, mykalya, mo, Julie, doctor Sherrie Richey, cute doctor that I passed out on, Heidi, doctor Ross Tanner, catlyn, migel, Katy, Mary, and countless others. The nurse with the chickens that don't breast feed. Trust me when I say I am leaving out more then half!


The moment that little boy was put on my cheek, the moment he looked over the curtain at me I was in love.

Happy birthday Conner.

And thank you heavenly father for trusting me with his little soul.

Kayaking awesomeness

So today is memorial day weekend. Mandie and I are on our way to wittier to go kayaking for fun. You would think I would be petrified but... Hawaii somehow made my fear of water lessen. Which is good, this is going to be fun!!!

As for the Jason/divorce issues... He came back from Bethel yesterday, he was distant. But I guess it bothers me less.

I guess things get a little better once you just accept the fact that there isn't turning back from this situation. I asked him over for dinner which he accepted. I told him Justin would love to see him.

As for the rest of the evening, the kids and I watched a movie, an then packed thee things for the night at my moms.

When I got home about 11, I went and talked about the truck. And then I went to bed by myself. This time I just went to sleep. No urge to talk to him, or get wrapped in his arms. Which doesn't make a lot of sense I mean just last week I cried myself to sleep wanting him.

I guess the week with him plain flat not available was good for my heart, gave me some healing time. I guess you can say I adjusted to him not being around. And now I don't NEED him around. Well that maybe a more confident need that it really is. But still the sting of him not needing or missing me has lessened. When I woke up this morning the sheet on the sliding glass door had been pulled down. That stung a little.

So now Mandie and I are going kayaking and we are going to have a blast out on Prince William Sound.

While he works on his truck I am not sitting wondering if he is thinking of me. Because I know the answer. He's not. He has put the issues of me, our family, and our life together in a box and on a shelf in the very back of his box shelf.

I keep having to remind myself that men think about things differently then woman. They put things in boxes and don't think about more than one thing at a time. Which is why our marriage wasn't always in, or even in the front of him mind. He was just focused on everything else. Because he just wasn't happy. So why think about it.

Ok well this is just taking a nasty turn for the worse so I am taking myself out of this downer subject.

Packing

Jason went to Bethel on Monday and Will be back on Friday. this is the week that I felt like I should pack up the house as it's very hard to pack when you're being watched. today was the big moving day all me sisters showed up to help and support me. While packing up six years of marriage I knew it wouldn't be easy but I didn't know it would be so hard.

We started with My elephant collection in the moved onto DVDs and then we hit the bathroom and the bedroom and closet. We put everything in boxes and put them in the entry way. all six years of my life fit in a small room in front of our house. The house looks so empty and I wish I could have it be full again

I don't understand, I just don't get it. how could it be so easy to separate his and hers. it seems unfair but I guess that's it.

Gregory

Lost of a very good friend.

Gregory has been my fish for a little over a year now, he has brought me peace in some great times of trouble while in the hospital with Conner I can't explain in words how much he means to me.

today he passed away from an illness that is common in betta fish.

Last night I went over to go and see him and say hello and tell him how much I missed him he didn't look good he was all white around the gills and looked really bloated and puffy I called my sister to say that he didn't look good and ask her what I can do about it I described how he looked she said that he had a disease that was very common and it there was nothing I can do for him I cried and asked her if she was sure she said that she could bring over antibiotics in the morning but she didn't know if it would help.

I sat and talked with him for a bit he started to swim around as if he knew that I was there and I cried and told him much I loved him and how I needed him to fight. still I I knew it was stupid but he was a really good friend.

When I woke up this morning I went over to check on him he looked as if you'd gotten worse and I again told him i loved him. Callie showed up about 930 and went and put antibiotics this tank see if we could kill the bacterial infection that had taken control over him. she said to just repeat treatment for five days to see if it would help but she didn't know if he would make it.

Had to get the children ready because I had appointments in Anchorage so I told him that I had to go. I packed up the kids and I went in for my appointments and I came home I went to check on him before he even unloaded the children and he
Had died.

I made a little paper box and put my dear friend in it and buried him in my garden and I wanted to say...

Greg you helped me through some of the hardest times of my entire life you swam around and were beautiful. I love you from the very beginning. I love how you were always there to bring me peace, and I hope that you are in a place that is beautiful and I hope that you get to swim with the other fishes I love you Greg. Thanks for, Everything

One last time

realized accecpted, gave in.


There comes a time in everyone’s life when you know you’ve
been beat. When you have to throw your hands up and as Carrie Underwood sang. Jesus
take the wheel. Today I have come to that point. I have come to a point in life
that I never thought I would be... and what I see ahead of me scares me to
death.







A single mom, not one like mine, or like my older sister but
a much less confident, less driven less everything. I see two little boys that won’t
have a mom to be proud of. An Ex-husband
that on a regular basis looks at his beautiful wife and says “what was I
thinking”







I don’t know where the road I am on goes. All I know is I can’t
turn back. i don’t know what is though these dark tunnel, it could be a Train
or it could be a meadow with the most beautiful flowers in the world all around
me. Like a dream.




So what i have to do is say Heavenly Father, watch over me, and
watch over my boys. Help them grow into the men that they are meant to be. Wrap
your arms around me as my marriage comes to an end... because it will. Help me
know what to do, help me became my sister and my mom all rolled into my own
shape. Help me make good decisions help me not fall into a world that isn’t
healthy or good for me. Keep me on a straight and narrow path with some kind of
life ring I can hold onto because I know I will fall. But help me get back up.







Help me heal, Help me love, help me move on. Or Help him see
me, help him see us, Help him love me, us.







like I said I don’t know where I am going, I don’t know how
I keep putting one foot in front of the other, but please keep helping me. Because
lord you know I need you. And know that I know I need you.




I one day want to look back on today and remember it as the
day I came to the truth, the day I accepted that it was over and no matter of
begging and pleading was going to help so I just quit embarrassing myself. The day
where I woke up, or rather went to bed with a plan. A plan of.. A: move the
couch over, put the other couch there. Move
the TV there put it on the entertainment center that I moved from there. And basically
make a home even if it is a temporary one.





Make it with love and that way the boys will always have a
happy family even if it doesn’t have dad and mom in the same house.





Have them see mommy happy and in love…. Sure in love with
them but in love non the less, and Daddy happy with his house and his life that
he has made for his boys that he loves also with all his heart and on every
weekend when mommy picks up or when Daddy drops off they see parents that were
always smiling. Have them grow up with parents that get along because dad knew
that they wouldn’t have been great parents if they had stayed in the same
house. Have them know that Daddy does love mommy and mommy does love daddy. They
just can’t live together because they are better parents when they are apart. And
GOD please Have them know that it is in no way their fault. Have them KNOW that.




Tomorrow is going to come it always does, and it is going to
come with Doctors appointments and drives to anchorage to get pampered by my
best friend as if she knew that this was the day that when 5 got here she would
be boxing up 6 years of her life, a life that she thought would never end. But
she is going to have the people that have and never will let her down stand
behind her so when it gets hard they and cry with her. And help her move
forward when she thinks she can’t. Probably by asking can you live without this
or can it stay here. LOL right Callie?





I want to remember a few stupid things, before they get lost
in a sea of hurt feelings and broken dreams. That would be…..







Standing at the bar with my back against Jason’s legs, he
reached out then gently rubbed the back of my knee with his thumb..





And after he asked for the divorce, I leaned my body over
his to kiss his face while he slept and he felt me up from the waist up
tenderly, right before he realized that he didn’t like me.







And the 20th of May, he held me in my arms and
kissed me on the mouth, and did that thing he does so well, just one last time.
Even though I knew that in the morning he was going to get up and go to work
and never look back on what we were.


I just wanted to hang on to that. Wanted to tell myself, He
loved you. Really loved you.