Done! With you! Still

Ok so 6 months ago I had a conversation with a convicted felon, doing time in Goose Creek. The conversation basically stated that I was a horrible person that wasn't ever going anywhere... That was a horrible mother, and I was just going to live in the hole I dug myself. Oh and when he got out he would like to "fuck me in the ass" because I get out of line and that's how I need to be handled.

Needless to say... Last conversation I had with the man.

Last month received a letter... It says... And my responses to statements on said letter are in ( )
Halee,
So this is out of the blue that I'm writing. Well I will tell you why I'm writing, I was looking though my mail and found a letter you wrote me. And said to myself "I wonder how she's doing" (because Apparently he is the only person he can talk to... That will listen anyway.) well I'm not one to wonder for long so why not write. (Oh I don't know, cuz that's the only way you can get to me because I blocked prison phone calls) so here you are you get a letter. (Lucky me). Have things gotten better for you? (Why yes they have! I don't talk to you anymore). How are your boys doing? How was there (yep that's how he spelled it) birthdays? (Right, let me tell you about my kids... NOT!) Hey if you would or if you want to you should write and give me a #. (Ohhh can I?) well at least write me and let me know your still alive. (Um because I don't care if you know that I'm alive) you probably wonder why I care? (No not really) well I just do... But hey if you don't want me to that's cool. To well shit anyway. (What) I just thought I would write and say how are you? (Repetitive much?) the last time we talked didn't go so well, (you think?) well but that was 6 months ago. I'm still here and that won't Change for a while. (Nope not for at least 25 years) ( or was it 11?) but I still think of you. Yeah that might be hard to believe. (Nope its not, I'm still the best thing that you'll ever fuck up) but I do. Anyways I won't make this letter long (please don't) just wanted you to know I was thinking of you and wanted to say Hi (ok tracking) so now that I have done that I should probably go now. (Please do) so bye. (Yep drop dead) always Dana

Ok so today I was mad at the world. So I wrote a response,

Hey Dana, well it was nice to get your letter the week of our wedding Anniversary, my ex's birthday, and the week that my ex's girlfriend has announced that she is 2 pounds Heavier then me. Needless to say I have been busy, you know being the worthless human that I am, being a horrible mother, and of course decoration the hole that i dug myself into. I'm doing fine. I go to church every week, it brings me peace but I wake up and it is indeed just Monday. I did the diabetic DKA thing. My mother had to come pick me up in the ambulance. I'm sure I did that for "attention" not because my pump malfunctioned and stopped giving me that shit that I require for life. Conner is going on a pump too, not the same brand because let's not be stupid it has flaws and the bad mother in me just can't let my son get sick. But it should help his diabetes be better then it is now (which is pretty good) I'm have no doubt that's also a result of my bad mothering skills right?
Your forgive me for not driving 70 miles out of my way for you to tell me I deserve to be ... How did you put it. Oh right "fucked in the ass"
So if your writing to see if I'm over it... I'm not. Nor am I gonna be. Your gonna have to so some better talking cuz I'm not impressed. I work way to hard to provide a life for myself and my children. It's a lot of work being a bad mom. You know, because of all the kids you have raised and no doubt put though collage.
Basically I am thirty next month, and I don't need to be treated like the "nice guys" treat women. Sense that is indeed how you titled yourself.
It been a year sense my divorce, and 8 months sense I quit fucking around with assholes like... Travis, Erin, and .... Oh yeah YOU! And the one asshole I have to deal with is at least human, and not a deadbeat dad. That being said.... No I don't have a number, you obviously have the address, Hope your dead, um I mean well.
Halee Giese

Hopefully this will make me feel better

Huh where to start... Here we go.

We got married. We always had this fight about if we had kids and got divorced he would take the kids from me because of my "mental" background. Now I am the first to say if I wasn't medicated and was being a non-medicated Halee then yeah, please take them. They deserve to be safe and taken care of.

So we are divorced, we have 50/50 custody and it works because I am "medicated". I am a good mom, I always put my kids first. Before my sanity, before boys (the ones I sleep with) just to be clear,and before I buy anything for myself. I don't remember when the last time I bought something for myself. Ok

He is dating, (see previous blog that I vented about the woman).

Well I have become Friends with the woman. Like really. She has a HUGE influence on my ex husband which directly influences my kids, which in return effects me.

So she is a nice woman. But lots of people are nice... Doesn't mean they should reproduce.

So her ex-husband is being a jerk. (Really that's what I think) he is fighting for custody of his kid that she had with her. And the little girl she had when they started dating (she was like 6 weeks). But let's be real here. She isn't biological his. So to say he has rights over this kid is nonsense. Now he has been paying child support for both of these kids. One his one not. So sure if he's paying he should have some say. But anyway. Again back to the fact that she is a nice person.

So he is fighting by saying a few things 1: they are not fed good food. To this I have no idea. I am sure she feeds them just fine. 2: her house is a unfit home because of the condition she keeps it. (She lives in trash). Well I don't know anything about that. She has never let me in the house. She always said it was to messy. 3: she leaves them alone all the time and neglects them. Now this I know for sure is indeed true. She puts them to bed, and hops down across town to her "boyfriends" house. Aka my ex-husband.

A side vent: what the hell, her oldest is 13, 14 in August. Yes he is old enough to babysit the kids. But should have to every night NO! The poor kid deserves to be a kid. Not to mention the things that could happen... Examples: home invasion, fire, emergency situations that would need an ambulance. All of which would be bad. So no I don't like the way she puts her self first.

It's just not how you woman should act if you have kids. Do I understand that sometimes you need a break, a night out, or whatever. Yes! But get a grown up babysitter. You know?

Ok this is where my vent really starts.

My Ex condones this behavior. He tells her that she shouldn't change her routine. As in keep coming over after they are in bed. Because it would appear that she knows its wrong. REALLY JASON!! When she was served with this paperwork, she called me at 11:30 and said first words of the conversation "will you lie for me" meaning she KNOWS it's wrong.

If I was her and acted like her, and he found out about it... Guess what? He would take them from me! But I guess whatever. He holds me to a complete different standard. It not fair! Ok well I don't care. I would never do that... Ever. It's not an appropriate way to raise children. At all. Does she work two jobs? Yes! Does she work hard? Yes! Is she a good person? Yeah. Is she a good mom? Well I'm not gonna say no, but she needs to reevaluate her parenting tactics. Because when you have children... Your life changes. It's no longer about you. Just Saying.

I have always respected my ex-husbands choices, he is a great father. He would die for his kids if needed. I don't worry about Justin and Conner. Why? Because he is a good dad. He's there, he's committed. He understands that he had children with me. And it changed both our life's. changed for the good. We co-parent well in my option. We talk about big things, we plan birthdays, do we do everything right? I'm sure we have made some mistakes but non that would endanger our boys.

But his support of a woman that is doing things that would get my kids take from me really pisses me off.

Like a lot

Ok end of vent I guess. Hopefully the judge does the right thing. Hopefully she will straighten up and act like a mom instead of a 22 year old. Hopefully she doesn't lose her kids. That would make me sad. Sad for her.

Ok, I guess that's it I guess.

Old blog written on 9-1-11

Wow where so I start, I would say the beginning but I don't even know where that is. Here I sit in a cage that I love, I would never want to leave. I am here with my baby, and one on the way, and a husband that is anything but happy. I wish I could be the woman he wishes I was. But I'm not and I'm not sure I even know where to train myself to be said person. It explains the stuff that I have noticed. He never wants me. Yeah sexually. Never. He does me, but as he says he doesn't like me. So I guess it is more an obligation which as you can imagine makes me miserable. I wake up with a man that I am crazy about. I smell him and want him. I watch I'm move into his clothes. Nothing is more attractive to me. But I know that he doesn't share those thoughts it makes me wonder, I feel like a traitor. Here I am happy, or I was until I realized that I am alone in the happiness he's not happy, that hits me hard. Today he got upset cuz I randomly touched his neck. He doesn't even like my touch, I guess it is a miracle this baby is on the way, and thinking back, I had to beg for the sex. It had been a long time. Like 18 days! 18! That is insane. I know I will never leave, and neither will he. We are comfortable, me with the dream man I married he takes good care of me, is a wonderful father. We have been though hard stuff. And made it though. Thank god! I know that I don't deserve the magical life I have. But I will spend my life trying to deserve it. I will never repeat past mistakes. I know this, but a huge part of me wishes I was honestly wanted. Not cause I am what he picked. No, settled for. Wanted passionately. Not just done cause that is the way it is supposed to be. It is three o'clock in the morning. I can't sleep, I know if I cuddle up with him I will want him. And it will annoy hIm. What I would considering thrilling, he feels is a annoyance. Why, am I that bad? I mean no I am the worse house wife. I am thinking about picking a day, getting grandma to spend the day with Justin an clean the house. I mean the other day I did ok, Justin ate his breakfast, I cleaned the floor. He played, I did dishes. He napped I cleaned the floor again and mopped. I didn't get laundry done. There are clothes in justin's room, which is a disaster for the record. That need to be folded. I Just need to figure out a way to learn to be happy with the way our lives have become. I remember a few weeks after Justin was born. We went on a date. And justin was asleep. And I was showing him where we kept the medicine for him. And he walked up behind me. And untied my top. Kissed my neck. Loved on me. It was amazing! So loving, so amazing. Right out of the movies. Our anniversary this year we went to a hotel in anchorage, had dinner and a nice room, with a bottle of wine. Played in the pool, like we were kids. It was romantic and wonderful. We watched a movie and made love on a king sized bed that was too big. Four of us could have fit on that thing. I love sleeping close to him. I love smelling him, touching him. Being with him. But it isn't mutual which is really messing with me. When did this happen, what did I do, how do I undo it? Can I? I guess I will try to be attractive to him, but I know that is pointless, it won't work, the chances of him wanting some one he doesn't like (his words). I know he loves me. He has too. But liking me is a huge part of marriage that is missing. And it isn't good.

Lets see if this is better,

Where I am:

So, where I am, I have a very blessed life, I have good things going on and some not so comfortable things lets start with the good things shall we??

I have a roof over my head, and I am pretty independent. I don't really rely on any one. I have never been on my own, lived by myself, or honestly done anything without a male "benefactor" I know that doesn't say much about me. But it's the truth.

I started dating jake, he is amazing. He makes me smile when I don't want to, he is emotionally supportive, we get along and we don't argue. Because I have changed my way of doing relationships, I try not to obsess over why he hasn't called, I don't "blow" up his phone he will call when he wants. And I don't chase him. And he keeps coming back. So he must like me. A trapped animal doesn't really do anything but try to get away. This I have learned

My children: now I never thought in would be a single mom. But here I am single and those kids depend on me to keep it together. It's a big responsibility. Mom always said if you do your best it will always be good enough. Well I am doing my best, wither its good enough I truly don't know.

My ex and I get along ok, we talk, joke occasionally, he has allows me to be the kids daycare 2 days a week when he is at work. Which is a huge blessing, however... He is dating also.... Which doesn't upset me. I want him to find the happiness he didn't have with me. Now it hurts sometimes. Knowing that I wasn't good enough seeing what he thinks is a good replacement.

She has a pretty face, she is losing some much needed weight. She wears lots of makeup... All the time. She is never seen without it. Ever! But really here is the worst part. She is identical to the girl He married 6 years ago. Me. The girl that last year wasn't good enough anymore. She is 32 and not grown up yet. She spends a lot of time at the bar, and Jason's house obviously. Which is normal for a younger girl with little responsibly Except she has lots of responsibility, 4 children, yet they sleep alone in her house while she spends the night at his or at the bar. Which is horrible. Her oldest is 14, but I don't know how she can justify leaving her baby and 2 other kids in his care all the time. I am sure he is really responsible more so then her. I have no doubt. But children (which is what he is) should not be required to pick which sibling he wants to get out of the house. In case of emergency Just Saying

She had up till yesterday became "friends" with me. In the sense that if she wanted to know what he was thinking or how he might be feeling she called me. Because I "know him really well". Well I did the time, 9 years as a matter of fact. getting to know him. She is always talking about how much they "talk" about everything. I can't help but think if they do then... Wouldn't she know better then me what he's feeling? He never talked to me. Never. He isn't a talker. I'm not saying that he doesn't now I'm saying that he didn't then. And if you indeed talk to him for "hours" why on earth wouldn't you ask him? Just a thought.

She tells all sorts of lies. And she loves talking shit. It's funny because before I started dating jake, she would go to his work and talk to his boss, all about how her new "boyfriends" ex-wife is crazy, and I do my laundry at his house "all the time".

Well here's a news flash. And I know it's not a lie because I am the "crazy" ex-wife. I hadn't done any laundry at Jason's house ever. Just Saying Now a few weeks ago I did do a load, but it was months after she was saying this stuff.

She told me that he still has pictures of me in the house. She thinks this is weird. My thought, "and the problem with that is????"

I will ALWAYS be a part of his life, I am the mother of his children.

Now I don't expect him to have pictures of me around the house. In fact I must say it surprises me.

Anyway my point is this,

I don't know why he married me, I mean I was just like crazy obsessive all over the place all that except i didn't have 4 kids with 4 different guys. No I don't condone that crap,it's called Birth Control, perhaps you've heard of it???! Oh wait
I guess not.

I was wild, spent a lot of time at the bar. Was friends with everyone, and had a lot of inappropriate relationships that a woman shouldn't have when dating anyone seriously.

Ok so these are just a few of my relationship advice, prep yourself I'm not gonna sugar coat this. Also know I have learned this from experience, and sometimes I don't like to Listen to my own advice. So it is gonna come off as hypocritical.

1: men don't usually play games, what they say is what they mean. For instants if he says this isn't a serous relationship... It means its not. Telling him you love him isn't gonna do a damn thing.

When they say I'm not ignoring you I'm just busy.... Translation it means I'm not ignoring you I'm (wait for it) JUST BUSY! Feel flattered because in his busy day he took a minute to text you to let you know he was thinking of you, (that's why he texted you) he was thinking of you but didn't have time to talk. That's him being nice. Don't text his ex wife and ask why she thinks he hasn't "talked" with you all day. Her thought is going to be..... It's Thursday, it's 1pm. He's at work. Those are the well known facts. What's the question again? Use your head.

2: on drill weekend.. Don't expect him to be over for dinner. He is going to try. But Friday, lets use some common sense ok? He gets up at 5. Goes on his hour of commute, works his 8 hours, gets off work. Changes into his uniform, goes to drill, gets off at 10ish. And I don't know just a guess, but he's tired the last thing he wants to do is come over and "meet your kids" so he is gonna call and say. I'm sorry, (which he actually means) I just can't do it.

You asked for something that was totally selfish, and when he couldn't do it. You freak out. Not only do you freak out, you leave your 4 kids alone at home. To meet him in his driveway in the rain to yell about how dare he promise to do something and not come thru. Well Sweetie, (wait for it) he didn't promise. He put off the fight of "I'm not gonna make it." Till later so he could sleep before his busy day. It's not that he didn't want to. It's that it's the busiest weekend of the month. And he tried and just like he knew would be the case he's TIRED!

On a side note. Yelling at anyone in the rain outside their house after they had a zillion hour work day. Isn't going to win you any points. And if you were dating anyone else... You would be a person who's name in his phone would be changed to ignore. And he would do exactly that. Ignore you.

3: ok, now this is gonna seem weird I know, so brace yourself for a not normal response.
When your ex comes into town, and asks to meet for coffee... Just say no. Don't call your boyfriend and explain the situation and ask if its ok. He's gonna say ok it's fine. But that's because he is truly hoping you know better. And when a week later you find out that he is having coffee with a girl the next week, don't be shocked. Be glad it's a stranger and not someone he has slept with before. Seriously are we stupid?! And going over to his house at 10 at night (remember he works at 5) he isn't even gonna get out of bed to fight with you. #1 he hasn't done anything yet. And he is just doing what you did the week before. So stop with the double standard and deal with it!!!

4: now when dealing with the ex wife, DO NOT under any Circumstances give her this kind of ammunition. Calling her after every fight. Come on. Use your head. She is the mother of the kids whos bedroom door you were just yelling outside of. Come on!!

Don't ask her if she thinks he loves you. (May I suggest you talk to him) because I wasn't sucking his cock last night, and asking if he was in love with you. It's non of my business and here's a shocker I don't care!

Don't give me details of your sexual relationship. I really don't wanna know. I don't care if he's fucking you, but I don't wanna hear about it. Just like I would stop my sister if she was telling me a story that was about how much she was getting it, what positions, and so forth.

5: try to remember he just got out of a 6 year relationship, that ended 8 months ago, and you've been dating 5 so... Do I need to do the math for you??? Really?!

He is starting all over. In a completely new game. He didn't have kids before, he was 6 years younger, and your the first "thing" he has tried. I bet you even try more then one mascara before making a decision about whether its something your gonna keep around. I know I have 4 brands of mascara in my bathroom that Ive tried and decided I don't like, or i have found a better one. And I put on makeup like 3 times a month. Unlike every damn day.

6: don't give him a hard time about a family picture that still hangs on the wall, because and I kinda feel like I am repeating myself here but; she is the MOTHER of his children! She isn't going to just be erased, and she shouldn't be. You should respect that they get along, realize that she is a good person who is attempting to be a grown up and raise their kids in a healthy non toxic environment. Where mommy my daddy don't fight constantly, don't put them in the middle, and don't fight over them. This is the purpose for the divorce in the first place. So that the fighting would stop.

7: on Thursday when you know she is the children's daycare. And that she will see him right after work to pick up his children, that one more time, they made together, if you text her at 5 and ask has he picked up the kids and she says yes. Leave it at that. Don't expect to have her volunteer that SHE dropped them off, and she is still giving report in HIS kitchen. In fact she had a cup of coffee also. Why? Because just like your fights, sex life, ways of thinking, and feelings. Are Non of her business. Her relationship with her ex husband isn't any of yours.
Also don't call her to ask if she thinks that he's ignoring you, because when you tell her that you haven't gotten a text back or a phone call and OMG he got off work like 28 minutes ago! She's gonna hand her phone directly to him. why? She doesn't want to deal with you.
And yes it's gonna look like your stalking him.
And no, she doesn't care!

8: don't do 1 and 7 in the same day; again she is just laughing at your stupidity.

Now don't call and tell her about how amazing he is with his kids, about how his youngest that has some medical complications threw up and not only was he paying attention but he gave him a bath and softly spoke to the child about how "daddy is right here, it's ok". And then he slept on the floor in his room. Your not telling me anything I don't know. I know he is a caring, loving, sweet father. Why do you think i picked him, i didnt just get pregnant by him. I picked him, married him, loved him, and made a choice to make him the father of my kids. Now that's over and he is a SINGLE father. And he does it right. He is there for his children. His children are his world. Would you even know if you child was throwing up? No why? Cuz at 11 o'clock when you left his house you went to the bar until 3:30. I know this because you told me. Again with why would you give me this type of ammunition?

She ended our "friendship" she texted me to say.. Anytime she talked to me it caused problems in her and his relationship. Well as awesome as it would be to think I have that kinda control of someone else's decisions, thought possess, and feelings. I don't, nor would I want it. Who wants that kinda power? Not me.

I am gonna sum up with this,

You say that he told you he doesn't see this as a serous relationship, that means per say #1 he means that.

He doesn't want to you to move in. Even if it would save you both money, well do you blame him. Just like me he needs to know he can do this on his own. He is proving this to himself. Not to mention he has a 3 bedroom house and you have 4 kids that equals 6. I know, to you it would be easy to throw your youngest in with your older boys and your daughter in with my two? NOT. He isn't gonna make his children change everything about their life. It has been turned upside down enough.

Also don't plan the wedding. Wait till he confesses his love. At least. I would wait till the proposal, but that's me.

He says he doesn't love you, he's happy and content. That is also exactly how he means it.

If that's not something you can handle, move on. Cuz that is where he is at.

Now the jealous ex wife part of this is

1. I'm glad your over weight,
2. I'm glad you try too hard. I can alway use a good laugh.
3. I think that he will get sick of you because going to the bars 3 nights a week 2 days after you get fired because you said you wanted to punch you boss in the face. Is not the kinda girl.
He wants a responsible, kind, lady. You are non of these. Your crude with a little side of good in bed. Which is why he is still around.
Now all of the last part is rude and probably untrue.
But I'm the ex. I'm allowed.

I am sure I am missing some important lessons. And I am sorry for that.

The end

Today I watched "us" end. The papers came in the mail... We are done... Over... 6 years just gone. Just like that. your done, you have had enough. Enough of me... Enough, Final over, and I am left empty. Just empty and I honestly don't know what to do with my self

5 minutes

Well this is it, my world is coming to an end. I sit outside of courtroom 1 next to a man that has no feeling for me, he shows no emotion as he make some purchases from the vending machine.

I am the only one hurting, the only one. And I don't know how it came to this.

I'm trying really had to be strong but it isn't am working hard at this strong face. But I can't find one. I just can't.

This is it,

This it, in one week I will no longer be supported by a man. Then the week will go by I will unpack my stuff into a my kids and my new home.

The week will be just me, just me unpacking and setting up
Rooms,

At the end of the week Friday I will get off work and come home to my babies. Saturday I will wake up... Drive to Whitney's house drop my kids off... And cross the street where a judge will tell me that I am not married anymore.

Divorced

6 years wrapped up with goodbye.

Will I cry? Will I walk out feeling free?

Will it hurt, when he bangs that hammer will it make me jump.

Will it get all quiet and words get muffled? Will I go into a quiet coma. Like a zombie?

Will I walk out those doors, will there be someone there? Someone to fix the hurt, someone to take me in their arms and whisper in my ear...I got you. Your alright.

Or will it just be me.

Alone

Here is my final prayer.

Heavenly father, I know your there.. You have helped me so much. You have blessed me in so many ways.

You helped me get here to this day. I have a job, and a home. I have a life all my own. I couldn't have gotten here with out your love and your help.

Please help me get through this last part. Help me keep my composer

Help me know that your in that room with me. Keep my hands from shaking, help me be strong. Help me be ok.

You have a plan for each and every one of us. What your plan for me isn't clear to me. But I have faith it's clear to you. I am going to do this, I am going to be ok. I have faith in that.

Just help me understand why this is happening. Why now? Why today.

Help me, I love you.

In the name of Jesus Christ
Amen