Wow where so I start, I would say the beginning but I don't even know where that is. Here I sit in a cage that I love, I would never want to leave. I am here with my baby, and one on the way, and a husband that is anything but happy. I wish I could be the woman he wishes I was. But I'm not and I'm not sure I even know where to train myself to be said person. It explains the stuff that I have noticed. He never wants me. Yeah sexually. Never. He does me, but as he says he doesn't like me. So I guess it is more an obligation which as you can imagine makes me miserable. I wake up with a man that I am crazy about. I smell him and want him. I watch I'm move into his clothes. Nothing is more attractive to me. But I know that he doesn't share those thoughts it makes me wonder, I feel like a traitor. Here I am happy, or I was until I realized that I am alone in the happiness he's not happy, that hits me hard. Today he got upset cuz I randomly touched his neck. He doesn't even like my touch, I guess it is a miracle this baby is on the way, and thinking back, I had to beg for the sex. It had been a long time. Like 18 days! 18! That is insane. I know I will never leave, and neither will he. We are comfortable, me with the dream man I married he takes good care of me, is a wonderful father. We have been though hard stuff. And made it though. Thank god! I know that I don't deserve the magical life I have. But I will spend my life trying to deserve it. I will never repeat past mistakes. I know this, but a huge part of me wishes I was honestly wanted. Not cause I am what he picked. No, settled for. Wanted passionately. Not just done cause that is the way it is supposed to be. It is three o'clock in the morning. I can't sleep, I know if I cuddle up with him I will want him. And it will annoy hIm. What I would considering thrilling, he feels is a annoyance. Why, am I that bad? I mean no I am the worse house wife. I am thinking about picking a day, getting grandma to spend the day with Justin an clean the house. I mean the other day I did ok, Justin ate his breakfast, I cleaned the floor. He played, I did dishes. He napped I cleaned the floor again and mopped. I didn't get laundry done. There are clothes in justin's room, which is a disaster for the record. That need to be folded. I Just need to figure out a way to learn to be happy with the way our lives have become. I remember a few weeks after Justin was born. We went on a date. And justin was asleep. And I was showing him where we kept the medicine for him. And he walked up behind me. And untied my top. Kissed my neck. Loved on me. It was amazing! So loving, so amazing. Right out of the movies. Our anniversary this year we went to a hotel in anchorage, had dinner and a nice room, with a bottle of wine. Played in the pool, like we were kids. It was romantic and wonderful. We watched a movie and made love on a king sized bed that was too big. Four of us could have fit on that thing. I love sleeping close to him. I love smelling him, touching him. Being with him. But it isn't mutual which is really messing with me. When did this happen, what did I do, how do I undo it? Can I? I guess I will try to be attractive to him, but I know that is pointless, it won't work, the chances of him wanting some one he doesn't like (his words). I know he loves me. He has too. But liking me is a huge part of marriage that is missing. And it isn't good.
